Hart of the Matter

— Last match is up … Shawn Michaels vs. Undertaker. Michaels is putting his career on the line against Undertaker’s 17-year winning streak in WrestleMania. Four-way tie for first in our pool right now. This hasn’t been that great of a WrestleMania, in my opinion. Apparently it’s been figured out that if Shawn Michaels wins, I would tie for first with Derek (Birthday Boy) O’Brien, and win the tiebreaker. But somehow I don’t think it’s going to happen. Those assembled think Jared Bell looks like Jared from Subway. He does! It looks like Undertaker has had a bunch of his tats removed. Michaels is going after Undertaker’s knee. Undertaker keeps trying for the choke slam. At this point, Reid’s match with his WWE action figures is better …. Michaels continues to go after the knee. “This is kind of like taking two guys from the Champions Tour and putting them in the final pairing of the Masters,” DOB says. Undertaker is going after Michaels’ back. Figure four leglock by Michaels, Taker reverses … by the way, the announcing hasn’t been very good, we want Jim Ross dangit! Choke slam out of nowhere, Michaels kicks out. Taker goes for tombstone piledriver, but Michaels reverses into an ankle lock. HOLY CRAP, Taker just tombstoned Michaels on the outside of the ring! Near pin … Hey! Mike Colombo from WGEM is following us, I’m honored and in near tears … Michaels almost pins Taker after a botched Last Ride. Elbow drop off the top rope by Michaels but Taker blocks it with his knees. Hells Gate submission hold, counter, kick out by Taker, this match is getting better …. Sweet Chin Music superkick by Michaels, Taker kicks out. Michaels loads up the boot, measures Taker, blocked, Taker does ANOTHER Last Ride, and Michaels somehow kicks out, it looked really painful … crowd is beginning to go nuts and the basement is in an uproar … Michaels thrown out of the ring. Taker is ripping out the stuff off the announcer’s table. Michaels reverses Last Ride and kicks Taker onto the table, Michaels to the top rope … NO WAY! REVERSE DIVE OFF THE TOP ROPE SMASHES THE TABLE and both guys are dead. HOLY CRAP … Michaels throws Taker back into the ring … SWEET CHIN MUSIC … TAKER KICKS OUT. Loading the boot again, Taker with a choke slam, knee gives out, Taker gets back up, Tombstone pile driver, the pin attempt, MICHAELS KICKS OUT AGAIN. Wow, this is really good. Taker back to his feet, staggering over to a prone Michaels … “I haven’t seen a guy limp around on the Phoenix football field since Neal Lomax,” DOB says. Michaels gets to his feet, stares at Taker and gives him the throat slash, slaps Taker, ANOTHER TOMBSTONE, it’s finally over, Taker wins and is 18-0. Derek O’Brien is your WWE WrestleMania Fantasy champion. A good match to end an average pay per view as the Dead Man celebrates. “Jericho and Miz won so it’s not that bad,” DOB says. Taker picks up Michaels, shakes his hand, they hug in the ring, BOO HOO … Taker leaves and Michaels stays in the ring, “Is this where Marty Janetty comes out?” says DOB. Michaels is pointing into the crowd and appears near tears. “Thank you for a wonderful ride,” he says to the crowd … He’s leaving, slapping hands, “I’m going to drive my kids nuts in three weeks,” he says. So that means a few token appearances on Raw maybe … he leaves, we’re done.

THANKS FOR READING!

— A reminder this is in reverse order … Cena vs. Batista is next. Before Cena comes out, a bunch of Marines do a long drill, prompting DOB to say, “Is this a Janet Jackson video? Rhythm Nation or something?” Jared Bell hates John Cena and says he can’t wrestle. “At least the Undertaker makes his crappy wrestling entertaining,” he says. I won’t argue with him, since I never argue with somebody who knows he’s wrong. John Cena is the people’s champion and does lousy promos, but I don’t think he’s that bad. At one point, Cena is heard “calling” the next move. Lots of long boring rest holds. Now Jared is saying Batista can’t wrestle either. Cena knocks Batista down and does the “You Can’t See Me” but Batista reverses it into a slam. STF submission hold by Cena. “I think Pro Wrestling Ohio is better than this,” Stevie E says. Channel 662 on DirecTV.  Batista grabs the ropes, now they are on the second rope, Cena knocks him down … five knuckle shuffle from the top rope, Batista reverses into a Batista Bomb, Cena kicks out. Batista “looks like Al Bundy,” Stevie E says. Reid O’Brien, 5, is playing with his WWE action figures instead of watching. Batista kicks out of an Attitude Adjustment. STF again by Cena, “step over to a cross face,” BATISTA JUST TAPPED OUT. Holy crap. Cena just won the belt. Reid is crushed and crying. But he’s 5 so it’s OK. Wait a second, why is he crying? “Because he actually picked Batista to win,” dad says. Oops.

— Raw vs. Smackdown Divas match. Vickie Guerro is on the bad guys Smackdown team and she’s getting smacked down. Blech. They all do finishing moves …. Vicki Guerro pins some girl in a stunning upset. It took her two tries to get the pin. Horrible. Just awful.

— Jericho vs. Edge … DOB’s favorite wrestler is Jericho, while Jared Bell loves Edge. Edge and Jericho used to be partners until Edge got hurt. Clayton, one of the neighborhood boys, is in first in our contest, but I’m “one game behind.” DOB is angry because Edge’s music started before Jericho even got into the ring. “It’s possibly the biggest miscarriage of justice since the Royal Rumble, when Maven did NOT get eliminated by the Undertaker in 2002,” DOB says. Apparently Raven was recently a guest on the Home Shopping Network. Back and forth match, Jericho has the Walls of Jericho on Edge, reverse into a small package … “Barney Rubble the ref is slow counting,” DOB says. Both guys use finishing moves, but Edge kicks out after a code breaker. Edge in the Walls again, again escapes, ref bump, Jericho hits him with the belt, Edge again kicks out and the place is going nuts, code breaker again, JERICHO WINS!!!! First good match of the night. Edge goes crazy after the match, now he’s going to destroy the Spanish announcers table. “This is not very good sportsmanship on Edge’s part,” DOB says. Edge spears Jericho off the table, both men are DEAD. Edge recovers and walks out to cheers. “If that was my dad, he’d be crying,” Derek O’Brien says. “He’s a weakling.” Lovely.

— Wrestlemania is in Atlanta next year, attendance is 72,219. Attendance in O’Brien basement … 12. Two just left with a mom, too.

— Bret Hart vs. Mr. McMahon is next. No countouts, no DQs, No Holds Barred match.”I have zero expectations for this match. None,” DOB says. There is homemade cake and ice cream upstairs, and Stevie E “might hit that” after this match. Apparently this will be some lumberjacks outside the ring, and a special guest referee. The entire Hart family has come down against Bret Hart apparently. Gee, do you think in the end they will side with Bret? Wow. They did. We are all stunned …. The family beats up Vince outside the ring, but Vince grabs a tire iron from under the ring. Bret grabs it instead, sharpshooter, wait, Bret hits him a few more times, now he’s putting him in the sharpshooter, no wait a low blow …. “They should be ashamed of themselves, treating Mr. McMahon like this,” DOB says. Chair shot, chair shot, chair shot, OUCH, wow, 11 chair shots, this is brutal, three more, a few more, “Will Jim Niedhart come out and help Mr. McMahon?” DOB says. Finally the sharpshooter, end this please, Vince taps, it’s over. Horrible. Just awful. Couldn’t they have had a decent fake match? “If he was a real man he would have pinned him,” DOB says.

— OK, now I just realized you have to scroll all the way down to see the updates, so for now on, I’ll try to post the latest entries up top, sorry about that.

Welcome to the palatial estate known as O’Brienville, where half the neighborhood kids have shown up for Derek O’Brien’s birthday, the pizza has been delivered, and WRESTLEMANIA is about to begin.

Wait a second … Reid O’Brien, 5, is wearing a John Cena shirt. HUUUUUGGGGGEEEE.

DOB, H-W sports writer Jared Bell and myself are also in the house, with several special guests scheduled to appear. David Adam has also submitted his picks for the WWE Fantasy Pick Em League, one point for each match correctly picked.

WrestleMania is coming to us live from the University of Phoenix Stadium, we’ll be right back with the first match ….

Something called Fantasia is singing America The Beautiful. Who is this? And where the heck is Steve Eighinger, there’s an entire pizza sitting on the upstairs kitchen table!

— First match is the tag team battle bout between Show Miz and R Truth and John Morrison. Show Miz seems to be the team of choice here …. Big Show knocks out John Morrison with a punch and pins him … bad guys win the first match. “The Miz is now 1-0 at WrestleMania,” Don O’Brien says.

— Randy Orton vs. Ted Dibiase vs. Cody Rhodes, triple threat match. Orton is the overwhelming choice. Derek O’Brien got a WWE belt for his birthday and it’s being passed around — prediction that there may be a brawl for the belt in the basement before the night is over … The storyline here is that these three guys used to be part of a team called Legacy, now they are splitting up. Orton dominates early … Dibiase and Rhodes come back. “Why is Cody Rhodes wearing white boots? You aren’t supposed to wear those until after Memorial Day,” DOB says. I bet Dibiase and Rhodes accidently run into each other at some point. Oh oh, they just turned on each other, can you believe it? Now they are beating the heck out of each other …. Orton DDTs both guys off the second rope … punts Rhodes in the head, RKOs Dibiase and wins the match, and the entire basement explodes in approval, except for DOB who picked Dibiase.

— The obligatory Santino Marella Slim Jims promo … MONEY IN THE BANK is up next. Ten guys, winner gets a briefcase and can cash it in for a championship match anytime in the next year. Reid O’Brien does not like my pick of Drew McIntyre … Reid O’Brien just did the Kofi Kingston boom drop on a pillow. Now other neighborhood children are doing it. Somebody is going to pull a hammy here …. Match is starting. One big spot after the other, this is a ladder match and bodies everywhere. JACK SWAGGER wins after an amazing series of bumps. The All American American American wins … nobody picked the winner in the pool, however.

— WWE Hall of Fame recognition is next. Fine. Buh Bye, next match please.

— Triple H vs. Sheamus is next. This would seem to be a no-brainer, but what most people in the basement don’t realize is that these two guys are actually friends. Triple H wouldn’t do the right thing and do the job here, would he? WOULD HE? Don O’Brien: “At one time, the O’Briens were the kings of Ireland.” Reply: “Now you are in the basement.” WHAT THE …. Steve Eighinger just showed up, no doubt smelling the pizza still left …. Triple H wins with a pedigree out of nowhere, and again the basement explodes. DOB has lost two matches in a row. “I pick my nose better than I pick winners,” he says. The pedigree looked kind of fake, to be honest. Maybe this stuff is fake after all.

— CM Punk vs. Rey Mysterio, if Mysterio loses he must join Punk’s “Straight Edge Society.” CM Punk just cut an awesome promo, saying he will save Rey and save everybody from being bad. DOB likes it, “One nation, under Punk, with integrity and sobriety for all,” Punk says. Now I like it! This is tough match to pick … Punk seems to be the popular choice in the basement. “I’m picking Rey because I need to make up games,” DOB says. Stevie E, who left a family birthday gathering early to be here, says he likes CM Punk too. Rey has some strange hair sprouting out of the back of his head. “This is a battle of the belly tats,” DOB says. Stevie E says Rey’s hair is “stupid.” In Punk’s corner is a gal that looks like Sinead O’Connor — “It’s nice to see she is doing something these days,” DOB says. Rey wins with a 619, much to the basement’s approval. First match I’ve missed.