I can’t imagine a show, at least a comedy, that will ever come along and be as consistently funny as "Seinfeld."

Probably the closest to filling that bill is "The Family Guy," but cartoons do not count. (Sorry, "Simpson" fans.)

The reruns of Jerry, Elaine, Kramer and George are as fresh today as they were at the time of their original airings. I have to admit I was not a "Seinfeld" groupie at the outset of the series, but after I began watching at the urging of an old newspaper friend, I was immediately hooked.

We all have our favorite "Seinfeld" moments, shows and recurring characters, and we’re going to have fun with all of those on this blog. If we have half as good of a time here as we did with "American Idol" on the other blog, we may need to be put on comic life support.

We developed new friendships and learned to look at "American Idol" and its singers and judges in many new and different ways. We’ll hopefully be doing the same here with "Seinfeld."

Keep checking here each week for "Seinfeld"-related items, which we’ll work in with our other thoughts, because, like the top of the page says, "I Have A Lot To Share."

GROUND RULES

I want you to start watching those "Seinfeld" reruns that are all over cable and satellite TV stations. Look at this assignment as a refresher course, not a task. We’re going to start out slow and see where this all takes us, just like "American Idol."

This blog won’t be "Seinfeld 101." You’ll be expected to know what episodes and lines like "The Contest" and "Master of His Domain" are referring to — and don’t worry, it will all come back to you in case you haven’t been watching any of those reruns recently.

And start smiling. This is going to be a great journey.

LET’S BEGIN

Here’s my picks for the top 10 recurring male characters on the show. Along with comments about this — and anything else Jerry-related — make sure you vote on the first of our Seinfeld polls at the right.

And before you ask, "Where’s the Soup Nazi?" this concerns recurring characters, not one-trick ponies. Don’t worry, the Soup Nazi will have his day.

1. NEWMAN: Can’t you just hear him say … "Hell-o-o-o, Jerry." I absolutely loved Newman. One of my favorite episodes was when he had fleas. I always thought he could have been the fifth regular.

2. DAVID PUDDY: Easily the most memorable of Elaine’s boyfriends. He had that distinctive, monotone delivery.  My favorite Puddy moment was probably the show when he repeatedly told Elaine she was going to hell.

3. FRANK COSTANZA: George’s father was a character I honestly did not appreciate until the days of reruns. He actually annoyed me at first, but I grew to love how he SHOUTED so many of his lines. And do you remember how scared he was of mice and anything that crawled? And then there was the "bro," but that’s another subject for another day.

4. KENNY BANIA: Jerry’s comedian friend who had to be the most annoying character on the show, but in a hilarious way. "It’s gold, Jerry, gold."

5. J. PETERMAN: One of Elaine’s bosses whose uneven delivery made it difficult not to laugh at almost everything he said.

6. JACKIE CHILES: Kramer’s lawyer who was Johnny Cochran before Johnny Cochran.

7. MICKEY ABBOTT: The midget sidekick of Kramer who once drew the wrath of the small people’s community because he had the audacity to use lifts in his shoes.

8. UNCLE LEO: "Jerry, have I told you what your cousin Jeffrey did?" Everyone has an Uncle Leo … unfortunately.

9. CRAZY JOE DAVOLA: His creepiness kind of grew on me.

10. MORTY SEINFELD: I loved those thick, horn-rimmed glasses he used to wear.

If you think I’m making this up,
click on the photo to see it at full size.

This blog has been proud to bring you "Man Laws I" and "Man Laws II," but today we are reversing our thought process for the first installment of "Woman Laws."

I’m just guessing, but I doubt the following items from "Housekeeping Monthly," circa 1955, would ever be endorsed by the likes of Gloria Steinem or Helen Reddy.

A good wife will always:

1. HAVE DINNER READY: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for your husband’s return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

Comment: So far, so good.

2. PREPARE YOURSELF: Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking.

Comment: I like the idea of that ribbon.

3. KNOW YOUR ROLE: Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

Comment: Does that mean having the TV already on ESPN when he walks in the door?

4. CLEAR AWAY THE CLUTTER: Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. and then run a dust cloth over the tables.

Comment: But don’t touch the Sports Illustrated.

5. BE CONSCIOUS OF THE LITTLE THINGS: Over the cooler months of the year, you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

Comment: You always have to think about what’s best for the Big Guy.

6. PREPARE THE CHILDREN: Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimize all the noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him.

Comment: And remember to smile!

7. KNOW YOUR ROLE, PART II: Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first — remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

Comment: Yes, remember!

8. MAKE THE EVENING HIS: Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.

Comment: Yes, understand!

9. YOUR GOAL: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit. Don’t greet him with complaints and problems. Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.

Comment: Yes, count!

10. MAKE HIM COMFORTABLE: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice. Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

Comment: Yes, remember!

IN CONCLUSION: A good wife always knows her place.

Call this a special retro edition of Knucklehead-lines, proving people haven’t gotten any smarter through the years.

1. THOSE GUITARS NEVER HAD A FUTURE

"We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
– Decca Recording Co., rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

Comment: I bet they didn’t like that long hair, either.

2. BAD CAREER CHOICE

"I’m just glad it’ll be Clark Gable who’s falling on his face and not Gary Cooper."
– Gary Cooper, on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."

Comment: That’s OK, I hear Clark Gable turned down the sheriff’s role in "High Noon."

3. HE OBVIOUSLY NEVER PLAYED "PONG"

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
– Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

Comment: How do you think Ken would have felt about a laptop?

4. KNOW YOUR ROLE

"Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first — remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours."

– Housekeeping Monthly, 1955, on the role of the wife when a husband comes home from work.

Comment: Ahhh, the good ol’ days.

5. VISIONARIES THEY WEREN’T

"This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."

– Western Union internal memo, 1876.

Comment: And who needs computers when you have Morse Code?

The next time someone taking your picture asks you to smile and say "cheese," it may take on an entirely different meaning … I’m not sure if I will ever be able to look at a dairy product again.  

POP CULTURE POP FIVE

"Maggot Cheese" is a delicacy
that is both an acquired and a
forbidden taste.

MAGGOT CHEESE: Yes, you read it right, Casu Marzu “Maggot Cheese”
is considered one of the eight “forbidden delicacies” in some parts of
the world, according to a recent Newsweek magazine profile. This is one
delicacy that’s both an acquired and a forbidden taste. Casu marzu is a
runny white cheese made by injecting Pecorino Sardo cheese with
cheese-eating larvae. The cheese can pose various health hazards, such
as an intestinal larval infection or even the risk of larvae jumping
into your eye. Because of these threats, casu marzu can’t legally be
sold in Italy, though farmers on Sardinia and in northern Italy’s
Piedmont and Bergamo areas still produce it for their own clandestine
consumption. United States regulations don’t even address this
particular type of cheese — perhaps because no one has been brave enough
to put it on an American menu, reports Newsweek.

Comment: You have got to be kidding me. This reminds me of
that scene from the original "Mutiny on the Bounty" movie with Clark
Cable and Charles Laughton, when Capt. Bligh made a crew member eat
that piece chiece with maggots crawling in and out of it. I’m telling
you right here and now that there is no way anything connected with a
maggot is going in my mouth. My mouth is a temple, reserved only for
the best, the creme de la creme of Hostess, Dolly Madison and Little
Debbie cuisine.

“CRAZY ANTS”: It sounds almost too weird to be true, but the latest threat to the American way of life may be unfolding in Texas in the form of “crazy ants.” Nobody knows where they came from, or even exactly what they are, but the pests have a liking for computers, other electronics and most of the modern machinery that makes the world go round. Not because they see them, or the associated wiring, as food. In a phenomenon baffling scientists, they simply seem to be attracted to the heat, magnetic fields or the hum and vibrations from machines. But they eventually destroy them by sheer weight of numbers, shorting out electrical circuits, clogging filters and pipes and bringing moving parts grinding to a halt. Even NASA is worried as the unstoppable reddish-brown ants less than an eighth of an inch long head for the Houston Space Center. The Russians were so concerned they telephoned to make sure that the orbiting International Space Station is safe. The insects have been called “crazy” because, unlike other ants which move purposefully in single file, they swarm in random directions. They were first discovered in 2002 and there are now millions of colonies, spreading out at about half a mile a year. They also bite humans. So far, the “crazy ants” appear virtually indestructible, with most of the best-selling ant-killers having no effect. Scientists at Texas A&M University call them “the ant of all ants” and believe their closest cousins are a species found in Colombia, the Caribbean and Florida. They may have arrived on a ship which docked at Houston’s cargo port.

Comment: Just step on them.
 
CARRIE UNDERWOOD: The former America Idol made it two straight top female vocalist awards at the Academy of Country Music shindog earlier this week. (Anyone know what Taylor Hicks is doing these days?)

Comment: Just in case you missed her on the American Idol finale, feel free to check her — and her outfit — out on my American Idol blog.

JON LESTER: Jon Lester has survived cancer and pitched a World Series clincher for the Boston Red Sox. Now he can add a no-hitter to his already amazing list of accomplishments. The 24-year-old lefty shut down Kansas City 7-0 earlier this week for the first no-hitter in the majors since Red Sox rookie Clay Buchholz threw one last September. It was Lester’s first major league complete game. Mel Parnell was the last Red Sox lefty to throw a no-hitter, beating the Chicago White Sox in July 1956.

Comment: I am not a Red Sox fan, but I root for Jon Lester every time he takes the mound.

DAVID COOK: The new American Idol.

Comment: America got it right.

POP CULTURE BOTTOM FIVE

INTERLEAGUE PLAY: What was once one of the high points of the Major League Baseball season is now nothing more than a yawn. Although it has not diminished the All-Star Game or World Series, interleague play no longer serves any real purpose. The novelty has worn off.

Comment: Pull the plug.

JESSICA SIMPSON: Apparently, the courtship with Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo is over. Numerous wire and online reports this week say Romo has dumped Simpson, who seems to rank about a level above Paris Hilton on the pop culture index of relativity.

Comment: Game over.

NEW YORK BASEBALL TEAMS: Both the Yankees and the Mets, with a combined payroll of $340 million, are struggling.

Comment: That’s a shame.

THE OBAMA-CLINTON NOMINATION BATTLE: This has been going on for 17 months. It needs to end.

Comment: Now.

MAGGOT CHEESE: This crap deserves to be in this category, too.

Comment: Just close your eyes and imagine TRYING to bite into some of this stuff.

So that’s what happened to Georgie Boy? … If you were a "Daddy Wags" fan, I’m sorry about the bad news … What would Debra Winger have been like in "Fatal Attraction?" … S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y N-I-G-H-T!! … Paula Abdul?

Boy George will be touring the
United States and Canada this summer.

BOY GEORGE: The former lead singer of 1980s pop group Culture Club gave new meaning to the term androgynous. Following his days with Culture Club and beating a heroin addiction, he resurfaced as a writer, disc jockey and ultimately a solo performer. George, 46, has never reached the same level of success he enjoyed with Culture Club, but he remains active as a solo performer and is touring the United States and Canada later this summer. He remains a highly visible public figure in London, where he is also active in major theater productions. His real name is George Alan O’Dowd.

LEON "DADDY WAGS" WAGNER: Few probably realize how the life of the former Cardinals and Indians outfielder ended. A popular home run hitter from the early 1960s, the man known as "Daddy Wags" endured an extremely tragic ending. Wagner’s life after baseball was not particularly successful — especially in financial terms. In his later years, Wagner disappeared from the public eye, fell into substance abuse and was frequently homeless, living on the streets in South Los Angeles. At the end of his life, he was living in a small electrical shed behind a video store. Wagner died at age 69 in that shed of natural causes on Jan. 3, 2004. His official obituary stated, that he died "at home." After retirement from baseball, he briefly ran a clothing store that featured the slogan "Buy Your Rags at Daddy Wags." Wagner his 211 home runs in an 11-year career that ended in 1969.

DEBRA WINGER: After some of her early starring roles, I thought she was destined to become one of the all-time greats. But after Winger, 53, became a household name through critically acclaimed roles in "Urban Cowboy," "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Terms of Endearment," a series of bad career choices turned her into little more than the answer to trivia questions like this one. She became notorious for turning down worthy roles in quality films, such as Kathleen Turner’s part in "Peggy Sue Got Married", Glenn Close’s role in "Fatal Attraction", Susan Sarandon’s part in "Bull Durham", Michelle Pfeiffer’s role in "The Fabulous Baker Boys" and Geena Davis’ role in "A League of their Own." Oh, and A-list director James L. Brooks wrote "Broadcast News" especially for her, but she turned it down because she was pregnant. (Just who was her agent?) In 1995, she stopped acting altogether, although in recent years she has been seen in some minor roles in minor films. Seems like such a waste.

BAY CITY ROLLERS: S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y NIGHT! S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y NIGHT! You remember those days of Rollermania, go ahead and admit it. These guys epitomized the early and mid-1970s pop music scene, and their biggest hit, "Saturday Night," still receives tons of airplay on many of the adult contemporary and oldies channels. The Rollers were of Scottish origin with a youthful, clean-cut image, including their tartan-trimmed shirts, coats and pants. Their sing-along hits helped the group become among the most popular musical acts of their time. For a relatively brief period, they were a worldwide sensation, but when Rollermania subsided it got ugly for the boys with the brogue(s). The band’s members have endured numerous and varied struggles regarding royalty payments, substance abuse and personal legal problems. They also were an apparent victim of some sort of management scam that defrauded them of an estimated $300 million. And you thought you were having a rough day.

ARSENIO HALL: The comedian is best known as a late-night talk show host from 1989-1994 when he was at the height of his popularity, Hall, 53, once dated Paula Abdul (not sure if that is considered a career highlight or not). Hall currently works as a producer and director and occasionally does stand-up comedy. He has been a semi-regular at times on the "’Best Damn Sports Show."

ROBERT “MUTT “ LANGE: Country pop diva Shania Twain is separating from her husband of 14 years, music producer Robert “Mutt” Lange. Twain and Lange, 59, married in 1993, six months after meeting. According to the Recording Industry Association of America, Twain is the only female artist to have three albums with sales of 10 million copies or more.

Comment: Yo, Mutt, how could you have messed this up? Get down on your hands and knees and beg her to take you back. You’re Mutt Lange, she’s Shania Twain.

THIS WON’T HURT, I PROMISE: From Nickelodeon merchandising has
come a Spongebob Squarepants Musical Rectal Thermometer. It plays
the Spongebob theme that the designer apparently imagines makes the
temperature-taking process less unpleasant.

Comment: Wow. Again, I say, wow.

BARACK OBAMA: The Democratic presidential candidate, facing a likely defeat in Tuesday’s primary election in Kentucky, blamed Fox News for the pending loss. He said Fox has been disseminating “rumors” about him and that, coupled with e-mails filled with misinformation have hurt his cause in Kentucky.

Comment: Barack, Barack, Barack … if you’re blaming Fox News for a defeat, you better be kissing up to Keith Olbermann, Rachel Maddow and everyone else at MSNBC for at least some of your victories.

CROATIAN CORPSE: I warn you, this installment is beyond bizarre. In Zagreb, Croatia, neighbors said Hedviga Golik never left her tiny apartment — until her mummified body was carried out last week, 35 years after she died. Police said that no one ever reported Golik missing, and no one has come to claim her body. Residents of her loft building in downtown Zagreb had broken into Golik’s flat after deciding that the apartment should belong to them, and not to her. Startled by the remains in bed, they called police. Forensics experts said Golik likely died in 1973, about the time a neighbor last saw her. She seemed to have died of natural causes. Her windows had been open, likely diminishing the smell. It remained unclear who was paying her bills and who exactly owned the apartment. In the 1970s, when Golik died, apartments were state-owned.

Comment:  Wouldn’t you think that … oh, maybe once in the last 35 years whoever lived next to her, or across the hall, might have tried to contact her? And what about whoever was in charge of the building in recent years? I would have to think there would have been a reason to knock on the door at least once in the last 35 years!

MIKE HUCKABEE: Republican Mike Huckabee responded to an offstage noise during his speech last week in Louisville, Ky., to the National Rifle Association by suggesting it was Democrat Barack Obama diving to the floor because someone had aimed a gun at him. Hearing a loud noise that interrupted his speech, the Associated Press reported Huckabee said, “That was Barack Obama. He just tripped over a chair. He’s getting ready to speak and somebody aimed a gun at him and he — he dove for the floor.” The AP said there were only a few murmurs in the crowd after the remark, and the Obama campaign had no comment.

Comment: Geez, Mike. What were you thinking?

CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE ENGLISH KIND: Aliens from outer space have been visiting Britain for years and UFO sightings doubled after the film Close Encounters was released in 1977, according to secret files collating reports by members of the public. The alien crafts come in all shapes, sizes and colors, but their occupants are uniformly green, the Ministry of Defense files indicate. The archives are the first batch of a four-year release program of all the ministry’s UFO files from 1978 to the present day. Some of the information’s highlights include a 1983 report from a 78-year-old man out fishing at midnight, who told of following aliens in green overalls on to a spaceship and then being told to go away because he was too old and decrepit for their purposes. Two years later, a typewritten letter to the ministry tells of an alien spaceship being shot down in the river Mersey in northern England by another spacecraft and of the author developing a warm friendship with an alien called Algar.

Comment: I think I have met Algar.

CHARLES BARKLEY: Charles Barkley acknowledged he owes a $400,000 gambling debt to a Las Vegas Strip casino and promised late last week to repay it after a prosecutor said the retired NBA star faced criminal charges. “My mistake,” Barkley said in an interview at a pro-am golf tournament in Hoover, Ala. “I’m not broke, and I’m going to take care of it.”

Comment: Yo, Chuck, did you think those casino guys were just going to forget about that 400K?

FLIGHT ON JET LEAVES MAN BLUE: A New York man who says he was denied a seat on a five-hour JetBlue flight and was instead told to “hang out” in the plane’s bathroom has sued the airline for $2 million, saying he suffered “extreme humiliation.” When Gokhan Mutlu arrived to check in for a JetBlue flight from San Diego to New York in February he was told the flight was full, according to the lawsuit filed in New York State Supreme Court. But Mutlu was allowed to board after a JetBlue flight attendant agreed to give up her seat and travel in an airline employee “jump seat.” Ninety minutes into the flight, the pilot told Mutlu the flight attendant was uncomfortable and he would have to give up his seat and “hang out” in the bathroom for the remainder of the flight, the lawsuit said. At one point, the airplane experienced turbulence and Mutlu sat on the toilet seat without a seat belt, causing him “tremendous fear,” the lawsuit said.

Comment: Nothing is worse than turbulence in a bathroom.

Neil Diamond is on the kind of roll he has not experienced since the 1970s … we find that Ashton Kutcher has — ummm, well, you’ll just have to read on to find out … Jimmy Fallon is back! … and someone, anyone get a message to Hillary Clinton.

POP CULTURE POP 5

Neil Diamond’s appearance on American
Idol helped his CD, “Home Before Dark,”
become No. 1 in the nation.

NEIL DIAMOND (again!): Never ever underestimate the power of "American Idol." Diamond, who guest starred on Idol a few weeks back and debuted the song "Pretty Amazing Grace" to much critical acclaim. The CD that song came from, "Home Before Dark," is now No. 1 in the nation, pushing past the likes of Mariah Carey and Madonna. Diamond is all of a sudden back on the "cool" list. And while we’re on the subject of Neil Diamond, isn’t it about time he gets voted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? Is it not a crime that the likes of such non-talents as the Sex Pistols, Frank Zappa and Grandmaster Flash are in the hall and Neil Diamond is not?

KID EINSTEIN: With the end of another school year approaching, college sophomore Moshe Kai Cavalin is cramming for final exams in classes such as advanced mathematics, foreign languages and music. But Cavalin is only 10 years old. Within a year, if he keeps up his grades and completes the rest of his requirements, he hopes to transfer from his two-year program at East Los Angeles College to a prestigious four-year school and study astrophysics.

ASHTON KUTCHER: Actor Ashton Kutcher may have been dealt the imperfection of webbed feet, but it seems he can use the genetic mishap to save animals from slaughter. Animals rights group PETA has just sent the "What Happens in Vegas" star a letter expressing its "excitement" over learning of his condition and requesting he use his "unique" feet for a good cause. Geez, some guys have all the luck.

INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL: The fourth installment of the Indiana Jones film franchise opens in the U.S. May 22 and the buzz is building. Be there.

JIMMY FALLON: The former "Saturday Night Live" regular is succeeding Conan O’Brien as the host of NBC’s "Late Night" sometime in the middle of next year. O’Brien is succeeding Jay Leno as host of the "Tonight Show." I think Fallon will be great in this role, which is more than I can say O’Brien ever was — or will be. Watching Conan O’Brien is akin to fingernails on a blackboard. When O’Brien replaces Leno the biggest celebration will be at CBS, where David Letterman is guaranteed of reclaiming his No. 1 position among the late night talkfests.

POP CULTURE BOTTOM 5

SPEED RACER: The much-hyped sc-fi action adventure looks like the first box office bomb of the warm weather months. Opening to only a fraction of the audience what producers were anticipating, "Speed Racer" DVDs could be in the bargain bin sooner than Ashlee Simpson’s latest CD.

NAKED THIEF: A Malaysian woman woke up to a real-life nightmare, discovering that the naked man who had slipped into her bed in the middle of the night was a thief, not her husband, a Reuters News Service report said. The 36-year-old housewife was asleep when the thief, noticing that her husband was fast asleep on the couch, quietly stripped off and lay down beside her, the report said. The dozing woman’s suspicions were raised when she spoke to him and his voice sounded strange, the paper said. The thief then jumped out a nearby window before being discovered by the woman’s husband.

HILLARY CLINTON: Somebody please tell her the race is over.

JACKSON 5: How the mighty have fallen. Once considered the undisputed kings of pop music, the Jackson Five raked in seven-figure paychecks for single performances and sold more than 100 million albums, second only to the Beatles. But the band of brothers has fallen on hard times. The New York Post recently learned that one of the brothers stocks groceries, another repairs cars and others live at home with their parents, who are at risk of losing their five-acre mansion. And then there’s Michael …

JOHN McCAIN: He may have the Republican nomination locked up, but in recent primaries, GOP voters have shown they are not exactly enamored with him. Mike Huckabee received a whopping 27 percent of the vote in the recent Pennsylvania primary.

I don’t know about you, but as a wee lad in the 1970s I was hopelessly devoted to Olivia Newton-John, only she didn’t know it. And I remember a decade earlier liking the Dave Clark 5 more than the Beatles. Oh where has the time gone?

OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN: This one’s a request from one of our regular blogytes, "Earl," from rural Missouri. Olivia, now 59 (where did the years go?), became one of America’s favorite performers following her role as "Sandy" in Grease, one of the late 1970s’ most successful musical films. Although she also had some country hits before and some mainstream pop breakouts afterward, the Aussie star remains most recognized for her "Grease" exploits. She announced in 1992 she had breast cancer and underwent a mastectomy. Newton-John released "Olivia’s Live Hits" in January. She is now raising funds to build the Olivia Newton-John Cancer and Wellness Centre in Melbourne, Australia. She led a three-week, 228-kilometer walk along the Great Wall of China last month, joined by various celebrities and cancer survivors throughout her trek. The walk symbolized the steps cancer patients must take on their road to recovery.

CAPTAIN AND TENNILLE: The singing duo — Daryl Dragon, 65, and Toni Tennille, 68 — that gave us "Love Will Keep Us Together" and "Muskrat Love" is still together. They’ve been married since 1975. Dragon was once a keyboardist for The Beach Boys in the early 1970s and his future wife was a backup singer for the group. Dragon was given the nickname "Captain Keyboard" by singer Beach Boys singer Mike Love, and has been known ever since as "The Captain." Another little known fact is Tennille sang backup for Pink Floyd on "The Wall." The duo is still singing, recording and tackling various songwriting projects for film and CD.

JENNIFER GREY: Grey, 48, will forever be remembered for two roles. One is Ferris Bueller’s sister in 1986′s "Ferris Bueller’s Day Off," and the other is Patrick Swayze’s partner in 1987′s "Dirty Dancing." She is still acting in made-for-TV films.

DAVE CLARK 5: The band was part of the original "British Invasion" phenomenon of the 1960s. The DC5 was probably the "loudest" English act act until the arrival of the Who. The Dave Clark 5′s first major hit was 1964′s "Glad All Over," the first of 17 top 40 hits from 1964-1967.The Dave Clark 5′s 13 appearances on the Ed Sullivan Show were more than either the Beatles or Rolling Stones. Leader and drummer Dave Clark is now a successful entrepreneur and entertainment promoter. Lead vocalist Mike Smith died earlier this year following a 2003 injury that left him paralyzed. Saxaphonist Denny Payton died in late 2006. Bassist Rick Huxley was in the electrical wholesale business at last report. Guitarist Lenny Davidson is still entertaining.

ANSON WILLIAMS: He’ll always be Warren "Potsie" Weber on Happy Days, although he went on to establish himself as a successful TV and film director. Some of his credits include "Beverly Hills 90210" and "L.A. Law." Williams, 55, is the nephew of Dr. Henry Heimlich, creator of the "Heimlich maneuver." He’s still active in the television and film industry.

Ten people, in no particular order, I would like to go to have dinner and conversation with:

1. ROD STEWART: This meeting would last all night, because I would want to know the story behind every song he ever recorded, starting with "Maggie May."

2. THE REV. RICK WARREN: What’s it like to be considered the next "America’s pastor," arguably the nation’s most influential theologian AND a nice guy? This would be another long conversation, because I definitely want to pick his brain about the contemporary Christian movement.

3. SIMON COWELL: I have a sneaking suspicion that Mr. Cowell is really a nice guy. And with the success of American Idol, I’d definitely allow him to pick up the check.

Dinner with Letterman would
give me a chance to find out
why he’s grown so bitter.

4. BARACK OBAMA: He fascinates me, and I admire the way he has handled himself during this neverending primary process. Already one of this generation’s great orators, I want to get a sense if true substance is behind the impressive flash. I also disagree with him on some specific issues, so the conversation could get heated. But we’ll shake hands at the end of the night.

5. GEORGE W. BUSH: His life story also fascinates me. We’d only talk for a few hours about politics. The rest of the evening would be about baseball and his days as owner of the Texas Rangers.

6. DAVID LETTERMAN: I was among his early viewers, back when he had a morning show on NBC that developed into the the ratings smash that followed Johnny Carson late at night. I know a great deal of this talk would involve how he evolved into such a bitter man, allowing his political views to affect his on-air performance. That’s really a shame.

7. KEITH OLBERMANN: I loved him on ESPN, but I think he’s a schmuck on MSNBC’s "Countdown." I want to know what happened to the old Keith. The second half of the evening we would talk baseball cards. We’re both collectors, only Keith’s is one of the world’s most complete.

8. DONNA MILLS: Any fan of the old "Knots Landing" series on CBS will understand this selection. I would be happy to just sit and listen to her talk.

9. JIM TRESSEL: He could run for governor of Ohio and the vote would not be close. He took a college football program that was already among the nation’s top 10 and made it even stronger. Low-key, mild-mannered and the picture of class, all his teams do is win. Oh, they drop a BCS national title game every now and then, which Michigan fans enjoy pointing out. But then again, when was the last time Michigan reached the BCS championship game? Oh, that’s right. Never.

10. JERRY SEINFELD: I’d just say, "Jerry, entertain me." And three, four, five hours later I’d be sitting there, working on another dessert, and still be laughing.

(To be continued)

Have there been days when you wondered if there actually any sane people were left in the world? This may be one of them. Read on.

THE BONG SHOW: Authorities in Texas have filed corpse-abuse charges against two men who allegedly removed a skull from a grave in the Houston area and used it as a bong. One of the men allegedly told police they dug up a grave in an abandoned cemetery in the woods, removed a head from a body and smoked marijuana using the skull as a bong. Misdemeanor abuse of corpse charges have been filed in the case.

Comment: Just when you think you have heard, read and/or seen everything, along come these guys. I guess my main question is: Were they just sitting around and thought of this … or what?

FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE: A New York bride and groom have pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct after they were arrested at their wedding reception last week after the bride trashed a set of conga drums in a spat with the band. The Associated Press reports the bride also was accused of breaking a speaker in a dispute over the music at the April 5 reception. Fabiana Reyes has been sentenced to the six days she already spent in jail. The 41-year-old also paid the band $1,500 for the damage. Her 42-year-old husband and their 21-year-old daughter were accused of interfering with Reyes’ arrest. Police used stun guns on both during the fracas. The daughter says the couple were legally married in 1986 but delayed their church wedding until last month.

Comment: I’m not sure what is weirder — the Reyes’ actions or that they had their reception 22 years after the wedding.

WHOAAAAA: Michelle Duggar, a 41-year-old Arkansas woman, is pregnant with her 18th child. Duggar says she is due on New Year’s Day. The latest addition to the family will join seven sisters and 10 brothers, all of whose names start with the letter J. The Duggars’ oldest child, Josh, is 20, and the youngest, Jennifer, is nine months. Duggar and her husband, Jim Bob, say they plan to keep having children as long as God wills it. Duggar has been pregnant for more than 11 years of her life. The other Duggar children, in between Joshua and Jennifer, are Jana, 18; John-David, 18; Jill, 16; Jessa, 15; Jinger, 14; Joseph, 13; Josiah, 11; Joy-Anna, 10; Jeremiah, 9; Jedidiah, 9; Jason, 7; James, 6; Justin, 5; Jackson, 3; and Johannah, 2.

Comment: Did I miss it, or is there no Jim Bob Jr.?

BOWL CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES: There appeared to be enough momentum and interest inside the inner circle that controls college football’s Bowl Championship Series to bring about a four-team playoff for the national title. At the last minute, however, there were enough cold feet that (any sort of) playoff plan was denied.

Comment: Let’s see, the fans have begged for this for years, it would be a financial bonanza, and the bowl system would remain intact. Yeah … it would never work.

EASY DOES IT: Steve Wilder said he thought he was going to
die when he awoke one night last week and couldn’t breathe, so the
Omaha, Neb., man used a steak knife to perform an at-home tracheotomy,
reports TV station WOWT. Wilder said he didn’t call 911 because he
didn’t think help would arrive in time. So the 55-year-old got a steak
knife from the kitchen and made a small hole in his throat, allowing
air to gush in. Wilder suffered from throat cancer and related
breathing problems several years ago. About that time, he had an
episode where he couldn’t breath because his air passages swelled shut.
He said that’s what happened this time around. Doctors don’t expect
Wilder to suffer any adverse affects from the tracheotomy once it’s
healed.

Comment: Technically, Wilder does not qualify as a knucklehead, but this is just so bizarre I had to use it.