Michael Jackson: A Barnum
and Bailey freak show.

It’s hard to watch a film clip of Michael Jackson or Whitney Houston or Britney Spears and not ask yourself that very question. Honestly, what could possibly have gone through their minds to do what they have done to their careers in general and lives in particular?

While there’s still hope that some of these celebrity head cases, especially Whitney Houston, might snap out of whatever funk they are in, poor Jacko is toast. Granted, I realize he came from a screwed-up family with screwed-up parents and all that, but the bottom line is he made his bizarre choices as a grown adult.

And please, don’t write me with they idea "they need help" — that’s obvious! Heck, I need help, but I’m not going out tomorrow and have plastic surgery so I can try and look like Brad Pitt. First of all, I’m scared of of anyone cutting on my face. Secondly, I couldn’t stand living with Angelina Jolie. I hear she’s too high maintenance.

Here’s my pick of the 10 biggest celebrity screw-ups of the past 25 years:

1. MICHAEL JACKSON: Jacko, soon to be 50 years old, should be loving life as the toast of American music. Instead, he’s a Barnum and Bailey freak show. Just about every lover of pop music born since about 1970 has asked themselves at least once in their life, "Why?" The plastic surgeries, whatever he did to his skin and hair and all the alleged abuse cases have completely overshadowed his amazing talents. My gosh, this guy could have been considered the finest entertainer of this or any other generation, but all he will utlimately be remembered as is a nut case.

Whitney Houston: From pop
diva to crack cocaine.

2. WHITNEY HOUSTON: She was arguably the most appealing pop diva of all time. An incredible voice, personality and on-stage energy, Whitney was an American sweetheart of the first degree. Then she got hooked up with thug Bobby Brown and now spends most of her days trying to beat a crack cocaine habit. Whoever said youth was wasted on the young may have had Whitney in mind.

3. BRITNEY SPEARS: She will likely pass Whitney for the No. 2 position at her current rate. That head shaving episode was worth major points.

4. PARIS HILTON: While Michael, Whitney and Britney’s problems may be blamed on poor judgment and/or outside influences, simple lack of brainpower seems to be at work here.

5. TOM CRUISE: I often wonder if the diminutive Mr. Cruise has any idea how much people laugh at him these days? Listen to some of his recent interviews and you have to question yourself if someone made him drink that Kool-Aid or if he did it voluntarily. Tom, don’t you remember "Top Gun?" What happened?

6. O.J. SIMPSON: At least no one else on this list has been accused of killing someone.

7. LINDSAY LOHAN: This girl is only, what, 21 or 22? Is it just me or does it seem like she’s been a mess for a decade?

8. KEITH RICHARDS: How is our favorite Rolling Stone still breathing with all the illegal substances he’s had enter his body?

The Hogan kids are incredibly annoying.

9. THE HOGAN KIDS: Brooke and Nick, the annoying daughter and son of former pro wrestler Hulk Hogan, should both have to spend time behind bars for their personalities alone.

10. MICHAEL VICK: What, no one ever told him running a major dog fighting ring might be a bit questionable. Has any recent pro athlete found himself in as much trouble — not to mention prison — for something not tied to drugs, alcohol or guns? (Well, there were a few pot-related problems, but for the most part, Vick’s woes stem from — you have to be kidding me — dog fighting.)

Honorable mention: Amy Winehouse, and as soon as I figure out exactly who she is and what she does she is definite top-10 material.

As I’m writing this I am watching a baseball game on television, a guy’s ideal version of multi-tasking. The game is not on a flatscreen or anything exotic, just a little 12-inch Sansui that sits next to the epicenter of my at-home life — my computer area that no one else in the house is supposed to touch but somehow never works out that way.

And that’s why I’m writing this blog. A man’s computer area is about respect, and that’s something other family members should acknowledge. I am tired of wiping up spilled this and crumbled that. Apparently the only way to prevent further trespassing is to establish a set of "man laws" for this hallowed space.

1. A man’s home computer is second only to his television and should be respected as such. No touching, no switching screen savers, no nothing. If I would have wanted flowers and rolling streams to greet me when I sit down — instead of a Cleveland Indians logo — I would have chosen such.

2. If you HAVE to use my computer and are shedding, all long blonde hairs should be removed from the keyboard area upon your departure.

3. The area around the monitor and keyboard should not be rearranged or moved. Everything has its space. The empty Diet Mountain Dew can and styrofoam cup of melted ice are supposed to be there, and so is that copy of "Dirt Late Model" magazine.

4. A man’s computer screen is his castle. Do not close any opened windows. The option of death is a distinct possibility if the fantasy baseball rosters are not there upon my return.

5. Piles and stacks are a good thing. The Byrds once recorded a song about this very subject. To everything there is a season. Turn, turn, turn. Each pile has a purpose, each stack a reason for existence. The option of death can come into play in this instance, too, if a stack or pile is altered in the slightest.

6. Food in any drawer attached to said computer area is the property of the owner of said area. So if those special edition Indiana Jones M&M’s are found missing, those plagues of locusts and frogs in the Old Testament will look like a walk in the park.

7. If you HAVE to use the computer in my absence, cover your tracks well. A copy of "Good Housekeeping" or tube of lip gloss is not covering your tracks well.

8. That little 12-inch Sansui has an accompanying remote. A man’s remote probably ranks a close third behind the TV and computer area. You get the picture.

9. The chair that inhabits the computer area should also not be tampered with in any way. Just consider the computer chair an extension of the recliner in the room down the hall.

10. And never, ever, ever turn the computer off without permission. The man it belongs to may not know how to turn it back on.

The devastation and heartbreak have been plentiful in the flood of 2008, but it could have been worse.

The worst damage in the Quincy area to date has been to the north where numerous levees broke or were compromised. Quincy’s water supply will weather the storm, so now much of the focus turns to the surrounding communities that have already been hammered by the Mississippi River. Recovery is going to be a long and grueling process, but it will be accomplished. The people in this part of the country are a unique breed.

The Sny levee to the south in Illinois, the city of Hannibal and smaller towns such as Clarksville and Louisiana in Missouri remain in trouble. We’ll be watching them closely in the coming days.

Best news from the north comes from Missouri towns Canton and Alexandria, which fought the river — and won. Not all were as fortunate, but it’s great to report these kind of victories.

Next week in this space I hope to return to having some fun. This just wasn’t the week to do it. Hope you understand.

For the most part, this blog is lighthearted in nature. We have fun here. We debate the merits of "Seinfeld" and "American Idol" and debate whether Archie Bunker was the top comedic figure of our generation.

This time, we’re putting that kind of discussion on hold.

Much of West-Central Illinois and Northeast Missouri are facing the possibility of a major flooding disaster. Many areas within those regions are already suffering. Today I don’t feel like talking about Kramer, Elaine, Jerry and George.

I have made several trips into Missouri in recent days and witnessed the heartbreak of lost homes and shattered lives. The same holds true on the Illinois side of the Mississippi River.

But I have also seen the human spirit at its finest. Allow me to share some observances:

– In Canton, Mo., I will always remember the silhouette of a young boy, probably in the second or third grade, holding hands with his mother as they walked to a sandbagging site to help. The little boy was carrying a small shovel and it was obvious he intended to do try and help.

– In LaGrange, Mo., its downtown and surrounding areas are submerged and the stench of the debris- and waste-ridden Mississippi is almost overwhelming, yet the townspeople fight on, filling sandbags to try and save what portion of their livelihood they can.

– People coming into area towns from hours and hours away, just to help sandbag and work side by side with complete strangers. This is going on up and down the river. I have seen entire busloads of average, everyday people showing up simply wanting to help. Arguably the most touching story involved a group of Menonites from Iowa who had lost their home to the floods up north, yet they made the journey south to help others battle a river that can be so overwhelming.

– In Quincy, Ill., a group of Bradley University students driving all the way from Peoria to share an invention of theirs that helped make the sandbagging easier.

– Also in Quincy, my son-in-law, David Hess, leaving his sandbagging duties to rush home and build a device of his own to aid the sandbagging.

– Ghost towns dot the landscape on both sides of the river, its residents and business owners having voluntarily left before the Mississippi crests later this week.

– In almost every town and area I have visited there is a deafening silence, a quiet sense of urgency to be ready for what might arrive in a couple of days. Among river people, it is called "the surge."

– As I write this, my wife, Kathy, is helping the Salvation Army serve volunteer workers at the local Civic Center, where sandbagging is going on day and night, inside and out.

The river is supposed to crest in Quincy late Thursday or early Friday. How bad it will be is anyone’s guess. The Quincy riverfront has been submerged for a couple of days as the water continues to reach inland. Most of the city of Quincy is safe from the rising waters because it sits on a bluff, but many of the surrounding areas are in peril.

Anyone reading this please do me a favor. Keep your fingers crossed. And if you wish, say a little prayer. This entire area may need all the help it can get in what is now a matter of hours.

In recent weeks, we’ve been exploring the appeal of specific TV sitcoms, but what we haven’t discussed yet is why these shows have enjoyed such staying power. Actually, that’s an easy one — the people on the screen.

We are not drawn to "Seinfeld" because of the wacky premise alone, but how "a show about nothing" is carried out. "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" was not a knockout because of its setting or ahead-of-its-time writing alone, but who we saw on the set of that television and how those lines were delivered.

Today it’s time to pick our all-time favorite comedic actors and actresses. These selections might be the cause of more discussion than the recent top 10 list of sitcoms. We’ll see …

FAVORITE ACTORS IN A COMEDY SERIES

Gold medal: Carroll O’Connor, left, "All in the Family." The irony of the Archie Bunker character is that he was under fierce attack the first few years the show was on, but the attention he brought to racial and social injustice can never be measured. I imagine those early critics of the show wound up feeling mighty silly .

Silver medal:  Ted Knight, "The Mary Tyler Moore Show." One each show, there is a character you cannot wait to hit the screen. Knight’s "Ted Baxter" was that kind of character.

Bronze medal (tie): Michael Richards and Jason Alexander, "Seinfeld." How do you choose between Kramer and George?

FAVORITE ACTRESSES IN A COMEDY SERIES

Gold medal: Betty White, left, "The Mary Tyler Moore Show." Her Sue Ann Nivens character’s constant pursuit of Lou Grant was always the best of many outstanding storylines.

Silver medal: Lisa Kudrow, "Friends." Kudrow’s "Phoebe" could have been Sue Ann Nivens’ daughter.

Bronze medal: Julia Louis Dreyfus, "Seinfeld." The "spongeworthy" episode when she interviews potential suitors is an all-time classic.

All of the recent talk in this space about "Seinfeld" got me to kicking around the idea of the top sitcoms in television history. My choices for that particular top 10 follow in just a few sentences.

Feel free to disagree (or even agree) and make sure you vote at the right. I have to warn you, I do not count cartoons as "real" shows, so as funny as the Simpsons, the Family Guy or South Park might be, they not eligible for my list. Sorry.

1. SEINFELD: Seriously, did you expect any other show here? Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer are in a class by themselves.

The Mary Tyler Moore Show
was the "Seinfeld" of the 1970s.

2. MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW: I could debate this was the "Seinfeld" of the 1970s. Mary, Lou, Murray, Ted enjoyed that same kind of unique chemistry as Jerry and friends. The mark of a great sitcom is that it was as stronger at the end of its run that it was at the beginning. This was one of those shows, just like "Seinfeld."

3. ALL IN THE FAMILY: Archie and Edith would have been No. 2, but in the show’s latter years, it lost quite a bit of its edginess. There’s nothing worse than a television program that stays around one year too long, or in this case, two or three years. In its prime, however, "All in the Family" might be have been the best ever. And that includes "Seinfeld," but that’s a discussion for another day.

4. NEWHART: Three words — Larry, Darryl and Darryl. Well, that was technically four words, but you get the idea. I loved both of Newhart’s sitcoms, but the earlier (1970s) version was missing some of the overall cleverness this one provided.

5. GREEN ACRES: This sitcom was much more sophisticated than any other that had its roots in 1960s, so much so it probably never received its due credit. Remember plumbers Alf (Sid Melton) and Ralph (Mary Grace Canfield)? They are the only surviving members of the original cast.

6. CHEERS: Its best years were when Shelly Long was Sam’s main squeeze. And we will always love Norm and Cliff.

7. MARRIED WITH CHILDREN: The shock factor of Al, Peg and those annoying kids began to fade in the show’s final years, but for four or five seasons this was must-see TV.

8. FRIENDS: As great as this show was for several years — and it WAS great — it became extremely tiring as the romantic plot lines became way too strained and predictable.

9. MASH: Major Frank Burns, played by Larry Linville, was one of my favorite characters on any program in any era.

10. ROSEANNE: My favorite line of any "Roseanne" show was when Darlene was in trouble for barking in class. Roseanne was summoned to the school office and promptly informed the principal, "We all bark."

Honorable mention: WKRP in Cincinnati
, The Larry Sanders Show, Everybody Loves Raymond.

Kramer.

Just a mention of the name can usually result in a giggle from most Seinfeld-aholics. Many will argue the Michael Richards character was the most important element of the show, but I think that’s an unintentional slight to Jerry, George and Elaine. Each made the other stronger. There was no single MVP in this unique community.

Yet when it comes to unique, Kramer’s character may have broken the mold. Case in point:

In “The Andrea Doria” episode when he developed a severe cough, Kramer refused to see a doctor, because he claims they botched his vasectomy. Instead, he preferred to be treated by a veterinarian. His rationale? Veterinarians are superior physicians because they are expected to care for multiple species.

That’s our K Man.

Kramer’s logic, love life, physical comedy and crazy business schemes regularly polished this extraordinary character. For me, it was more of what Kramer said than what he did that made his character special.

My five favorite Kramer moments:

1. This comes from Kramer’s desire to date a librarian:

“She needs a little Kramer,” Cosmo said.

“She’ll need a little penicillin,” Jerry responded.

Maybe this should actually be attributed as a “Jerry moment,” but minus Kramer, it would not been half as funny.

2. “I’m Cosmo Kramer, the Ass Man.” (When he had the license plates of a former proctologist that read ASS MAN.”

3. “My boys need a home, Jerry!” (A reference to his lost underwear.)

4. “It’s like a sauna in here.” (Which is where he was.)

5. “She’s got the jimmy legs.” (His restless girl friend is keeping him up at night.)

OK, I can’t stop at five … here are some more:

“These pretzels are making me thirsty.”

“I’m gonna surround myself with wood! Wood, Jerry, wood!”

“I’m afraid of the clowns.”

“Jerry, they are not midgets, they are little people.”

“I’m going through this stuff like water.” (while he’s drinking water)

“My face is my livelihood.”

“Look at me, I’m hideous.”

“Without rules, Jerry, there’s chaos.”

“Would you like a Junior Mint?”

THE WOMEN OF KRAMER

I was always fascinated with the ladies in Kramer’s life. Do you remember:

• The famous “low talker” in “The Puffy Shirt” episode, one of the series’ classics.

• Or how about the Latvian Orthodox nun Roberta, who falls for Kramer because he has the “lure of the animal” — the Kavorka.

• And let’s not forget Tina, Elaine’s roommate who enjoyed making out in the living room to tribal music.

There’s so many facets of the Kramer character that we can talk about — and will. We’ll soon be revisiting our favorite doofus. Remember, we’re just getting started.

Kramer factoids: In the mid-1980s, Richards auditioned for the role of Al Bundy in the Fox Network’s “Married With Children.”  … Kramer appeared in all but two episodes: “The Chinese Restaurant” and “The Pen,” in the second and third seasons, respectively, during the show’s 1989-98 run.

I have a theory.

Actually, I have many theories — as the name of this blog attests.

But I have always felt strongly one in particular, and it deals with music.

The most distinct era of what is categorized as “pop” music unfolded around 1966 and ended in the neighborhood of 1972.

We can argue a year either way about the front and back ends of this, but that’s unimportant for the most part. What’s important is to remember how special that period was, so distinctive an era that we will never see anything like it again.

Those six, seven or eight years established a foundation for a revolutionary period of music that allowed American young people to wear their emotions on their sleeve and gave birth to rock legends who are with us to this day. Can you say Mick Jagger? Rod Stewart?

What we started hearing on the radio was the beginning of a sound that had more of an edge and a message, yet remained sugary enough to be accepted for widespread airplay. Much was a unique combination of bubble gum and folk that eventually morphed into different forms of protest music and love songs. And they were love songs that not only spoke to the heart, but at times reached so deep inside you it was difficult to fall asleep some evenings.

These were the years that moved us away from the “surf” sound of the Beach Boys, (most of) the silly novelty songs and weeded out a previous generation of singers such as Frank Sinatra, Engelbert Humperdinck and Tom Jones.

It’s safe to say those were the formative years when music grew up, made us think and defined a generation. Never before had music become such an important part of daily life. Some 41 years later, we still talk about the Summer of Love in 1967, about Woodstock in 1969.

During this period, we saw the rise of FM radio and a counter-culture movement that is now accepted as the norm. The baby boomers in waiting had gained their first foothold on the American way of life.

I recently spent an afternoon combing through just about every song to hit the Top 40 in those years and came away with my favorite 10. I wasn’t much into protest growing up, so don’t expect any Jefferson Airplane. And while I admire the Beatles’ accomplishments I can’t say any of their songs ever struck a major nerve with me.

These were the songs from that time I will always remember the most (click on the names of the songs to listen to the song and watch the video):

1. “Pied Piper,” Crispian St. Peters: Judging by the number of hits this receives on YouTube, there are plenty of others out there who recall this song from the summer of 1966. I remember how sad I felt when I found out the singer, whose actual name is Robert Peter Smith, now in his 60s, suffered a heart attack in 1995 that ultimately left him unable to perform. It’s hard to imagine your favorite singers from your youth growing old, even dying. Like their songs, they should also remain timeless.

2. “Brown-Eyed Girl,” Van Morrison: A song that has transcended all generations, actually got its start about the same time as “Pied Piper.” To this day, there are specific memories attached to the incredible music of this era that can never be duplicated, and I wouldn’t want them to be. It was a different time then, a special time that songs like this preserve.

3. “Love Is All Around,” the Troggs: Yeah, the Troggs also gave us “Wild Thing” and all Cleveland Indians will be forever grateful, but this was my favorite song by that group. Did you ever hear a song and it always reminded you of a specific someone? Yeah, me too. Her name was Debbie.

4. “Traces,” Classics IV: Talk about sad songs, this is it. This was the song that every guy or girl popped on the record player after a break-up. The lead singer of this group was a fellow named Dennis Yost, who encountered some extremely tough times later in life, which makes this song even sadder.

5. “Higher and Higher,” Jackie Wilson:
One of the greatest instrumental openings of any song ever, coupled
with the marvelous range of Jackie Wilson. Wilson, too, met a tragic
ending … which seems to be a theme here.

6. “Midnight Confessions,” the Grass Roots: My all-time favorite group had a ton of hits during this period, but this was the best. The guys in this band all had great names like Creed, Rob and P.F. A little-known fact is on many of their songs there was more than one lead singer. What a great group, what a great time.

7. “You Got to Me,” Neil Diamond: This wasn’t one of his major hits, in terms of airplay, but for my money’s worth it was best, even better than “Cherry, Cherry.”

8. “Mama’s Pearl,” Jackson Five: This was Michael Jackson and his brothers at their best. What an ultimate waste of talent and professional lives. Michael Jackson should have been remembered as one of the finest artists of any age, and instead he will be remembered as … well, you’ll have to fill in that blank yourself.


9. “Ballad of the Green Berets,” Sgt. Barry Sadler: I know how this song is going to end, and I still have to wipe away a tear — 42 years after I heard it the first time.

10. “Sugar, Sugar,” the Archies: I know, I know, they were a studio group that never really existed, but I played this .45 so much I wore it out.

Let me add a special note for those who may know me and are reading this. There are no Rod Stewart songs included for a reason. In my world, all efforts from Rod the Mod rank above everything else, so there would be no room for “others.” Some day we’ll devote a blog to that man and his music, if for no other reason than to infuriate one of my blogyte buddies. (HINT: Maybe I should spell buddies with two EEs.)

We’ll do this again sometime in the near future, with a completely different era.

But whatever that era happens to be, just remember it will have had its roots right here.

When Newman and Jerry appeared
on the screen at the same time,
we all knew what was coming.

The "Seinfeld" lounge is open once again. Thanks for coming.

One of the great contributions the show has made to our daily lives is the bevy of catch phrases it has produced. Is there one that brings a bigger smile than "Hello-o-o-o-o-o Newman," compliments of Jerry?

Whenever we would see saw the rotund, bespectacled Newman and Jerry appear on screen at the same time you knew, I knew, we all knew what was coming. And "Hello Newman" was always followed by the subdued, smarmy, "Hello, Jerry."

That was hardly Newman’s only contribution to Seinfeld history, albeit the most famous.

Personally, I think there’s a close second. Here’s the rest of my favorite Newmanisms, or exchanges involving our favorite letter carrier:

2. Remember when Newman is driving the vehicle that is dragging Elaine’s sewing machine on the road over the two-lane highway after Kramer accidentally spills flammable paint thinner? Newman is singing the Commodores’ "Three Times A Lady "

"You’re once … twice … three …."

The vehicle is then engulfed in flames.

"AAAAAAAHHHH!!! Oh the humanity!"

Those are, by far, the two most memorable, but these are also pretty sweet:

3. "Just remember, when you control the mail, you control … information."

4. "Keith Hernandez! I despise that man!"

5. "I’ll tell you a secret about zip codes — they’re meaningless."

6. "Ah, look, I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m a U.S. postal worker, and my mail truck was just ambushed by a band of backwoods mail-hating survivalists."

7. "Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming. There’s never a letup, it’s relentless. Every day it piles up more and more, but the more you get out, the more it keeps coming. And then the bar code reader breaks. And then it’s Publisher’s Clearinghouse day."

8. "You see, certified mail is always registered, but registered mail is not necessarily certified."

9. "What? I love broccoli. It’s good for you."

10. (moments after taking tasting the broccoli) … "Vile weed!"

Background on Newman: Played by Wayne Knight, Newman was a recurring character on the show from 1991-98. He lived in the same apartment building as Jerry and Kramer. His character was originally conceived to be the son of the landlord who "tells" on everyone.