This has gone far enough.

From now on, when one of my orders at a fast-food drive thru is screwed up, I am vowing to turn the car around and either get a refund or cook the sandwich myself. (OK, there are a lot better odds on picking the former.)

I realize those who work at the fast food restaurants are no different than you or me, and that we all make mistakes, but to repeatedly hand me the incorrect items is simply not acceptable. Not any more.

I am a simple man and only want a simple meal. In fact, my order is always the same, at least 99 percent of the time. I order either a plain burger, or a burger with tomato ONLY. That’s it. It’s not tough.

And today here is what happened AGAIN at the drive through:

Steve: "I’d like a No. 4 with tomato ONLY, nothing else on the sandwich. Just tomato. Thank you."

The Voice: "Would you like cheese on that, hon’?"

(I hate being called "hon’," unless it is coming from Angelina Jolie, Ann Coulter or one of Rod Stewart’s ex-wives.)

Steve: "No. Tomato only. Just tomato. Nothing else. Thank you."

(My voice remained pleasant, although I wondered what part of ONLY she did not understand. Kind of like that old Lorrie Morgan song, "What Part Of No Don’t You Understand?")

The Voice: "Please pull around to the second window, hon’ … and we’ll have your order for ya!"

So I slowly drove to the appropriate window, paid by bill and said "thank you" again for the wonderful service I was sure I had received. Hey, it was bright, sunny Friday afternoon and all was well with the world.

At least I thought so.

Normally, I always check the sandwich for errors, but I was so certain everything was fine I drove away in a mild state of giddiness. Work was just a couple of blocks away and I was eagerly awaiting that first bite of a tomato-lined patty of shredded cow flesh.

I pulled into a parking space near the office, reached into the brown paper bag, pulled out my neatly wrapped No. 4 … and when I opened up the wrapper I knew there was trouble. I could tell by the smell.

Sure enough, there were onions, pickles, mayonnaise, ketchup, mustard, a used Band-aid and someone’s little finger (OK, just kidding about the last two) … but there was everything on that sandwich EXCEPT a tomato.

I was incensed, but I didn’t have enough time to drive back to the fast-food palace in question, so I grabbed some tissues and napkins and began scraping all the crap off of the sandwich.

I ate the No. 4, but I was not happy. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized this blog needed written. If we all refuse to accept this, just maybe more of these establishments will learn what "tomato only" means, or whatever your own preference is.

And no, we don’t want cheese! And quit asking us!

Sean Connery will always be the best
to portray James Bond, the Joe Namath of
secret agents.

Bond is back!

Well, almost.

The newest James Bond film, "The Quantum of Solace," is completed. As my friend Tyler Tomlinson would say, "It’s a wrap!" The movie opens in the United States Nov. 7.

And I plan on being in the theater that very evening. I have seen every James Bond movie at least twice. Many of the older efforts, specifically those with Sean Connery as 007, I have watched on six, seven, eight … who knows how many occasions.

A James Bond movie is one of the few viewing fares I would choose over baseball, Ohio State football and possibly even "American Idol." (Unless Idol is in the round of 12 elimination stage, then even Bond must wait his turn.)

Daniel Craig returns as our favorite secret agent with the license to thrill, having proven the early critics wrong about his ability to handle a role of such importance.

Craig was tremendous in his Bond debut, the 2006 "Casino Royale" release. And while there will never be another Connery, Craig could ultimately earn a solid No. 2 standing ahead of such lightweights as Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton and George Lazenby. (I must admit, during one of the brutal Dalton/Bond movies I actually fell asleep. Dalton could not have been a worse choice to portray Bond. The only way he could have been a secret agent were if could bore the dirty rotten commies and terrorists to death. Ugh.)

Only Pierce Brosnan came close to filling Connery’s shadow, but as talented and popular as he was, the suave and debonair quotient of the original Bond was never matched. I always felt as if something was missing with Brosnan, but he was far better than the comic-book Bond that Moore portrayed. I didn’t want Henny Youngman as 007, I wanted a believable secret agent character, and Moore was never that.

James Bond flicks are one of life’s small pleasures. Roughly every two years since the 1960s, we’ve been treated to 007 saving the world from not-so-nice people. The cycle is about to be continued with "The Quantum of Solace," which to be honest, I have no idea what that means.

In the coming weeks, I’ll offer some more insight (keen, of course) on the Bond franchise. For today, here are my picks (in order, of course) for the best leading men to play the fabled 007 (using NFL quarterbacks by comparison):

1. SEAN CONNERY: He will always be the franchise, the Joe Namath of secret agents.

2. PIERCE BROSNAN: Not bad, but he was never accepted like Namath. Brosnan is the equivalent of Tom Brady: great talent, a Hall of Famer. But Broadway Joe simply had more of the "it" factor.

3. DANIEL CRAIG: He’s on the verge of superstardom. Think Carson Palmer. Or Maybe Eli Manning.

4. ROGER MOORE: I give him credit for longevity and keeping the series afloat, but not much else. A lot of flash, but not much substance. Think Jim Hart or Mark Brunell.

5. TIMOTHY DALTON: Dreadful, simply dreadful. A Ryan Leaf comparison would be accurate.

6. GEORGE LAZENBY: He was a Bond for one, horrible movie. His moment in the sun was brief, much like Clint Longley when he replaced Roger Staubach on Thanksgiving Day against the Redskins.

U.S. pitcher Monica Abbott prepares
to throw against Canada in a softball
game during the Beijing Olympics. (AP Photo)

So the high and mighty International Olympic Committee has decided to eliminate softball and baseball from the Olympics. That the ruling actually came not too long after the U.S. invaded Iraq is more than mere coincidence will always be open for debate, but that’s a platform we’ll avoid today.

What we won’t avoid is how ridiculous such a decision is to drop two sports that are either already popular around the world (softball) or growing each year (baseball).

The bottom line, of course, is that this is a direct smack at America. And that’s what irritates me the most.

One of the principal excuses for dropping softball is that the American girls are too dominant. The same certainly can’t be said for the American baseball teams in the Olympics. We didn’t even win the gold medal in 2004, and we are hardly looking like th 1927 Yankees in Beijing.

If LeBron and Kobe aren’t careful and we win the gold in men’s basketball by too lopsided of a score, will the IOC drop hoops, too?

When I think back over some of the past the injustices America has had to put up with in the Olympics, I get even madder. And here’s just a sampling why:

• Can we ever forget all of those years U.S. athletes had to comepte against the steroid-enhanced East German athletes, especially the women who had 5 o’clock shadows and voices as deep as Richard Sterban of the Oak Ridge Boys? (If you click on the link, go to the 1-minute mark to hear Sterban’s "ooom-boppa ooom-boppa.") All the IOC ever did was offer the East Germans a can of Gillette Foamy.

Remember how many times the final
seconds were replayed until the Soviet Union
finally defeated the U.S. men’s basketball
team in the 1972 Munich Olympics?

• Or how about the farce that was the 1972 men’s basketball finals, when the final seconds were replayed enough times until the Soviet Union finally defeated the Americans?

• How about all of the Iron Curtain judges who would openly give U.S. athletes lower scores than they deserved in such events as gymnastics?

• And how many Olympiads did true U.S. amateurs have to go up against professional athletes from the Communist bloc?

If you can’t beat the Americans fair and square, simply cheat to do it. Kind of like all of those years some of the Asian countries were found to be sending miniature adults to compete in the Little League World Series.

Cat Osterman, a pitcher for the U.S. women’s softball team, asked this week why the American girls should have to apologize for being good.

Hey, Cat, you shouldn’t.

It has always been fine that Americans have tried to compete in some of those crap sports that are popular with about 36 people in Estonia, but we always try, we always lose and we don’t complain. After all, how many people really care about the double kayak biathlon, even in Estonia?

Gimme a break.

But people, at least in America, do care how the softball and baseball teams do. And the IOC knows that.

Here’s one person who hopes the U.S. softball team wins the gold medal contest 30-0, then awards the game ball to the IOC and requests it forever be lodged in a place where the sun does not shine.

"Ask Stevie Love" is back!

Your favorite soldier of the lovelorn, your confidant in compassion, your voice to turn to when all else fails has returned. (Check out the first column earlier this month to see how we’ve already helped many in need.)

Today’s advice covers the usual wide range of topics with the expected straight-to-the-heart-of-the-matter responses. And today, coupled with the expected words of wisdom, Stevie Love also offers advice for the heart through lyric and melody.

Dear Stevie Love:

I am so in love with this girl I have been seeing for more than a year, yet I get tongue-tied when I try to tell her how I feel. Can you help?

Thank you,
Helpless in Hannibal

Dear Helpless:

Whoaaaa, "Doctor Love!" Wasn’t that an old Kiss song? When my cousin, Stevie Dirt, and I used to date the Bramble sisters, Heather and Leather, that song was popular on the radio. Anyway, just play your girlfriend a little Gary Puckett. The rest is up to you, Helpless.

Dear Stevie Love:

Sincerely,
Sad in Shelbina

Dear Sad:

What kind of sound system does that car have? And while you’re getting back to me on that, play this classic by Johnny Taylor.

Dear Stevie Love:

Yours truly,
Tormented in Tioga

Dear Tormented:

I think I saw that movie at the drive-in as a teenager. Man, those were the days. Popcorn was a quarter, soda was a dime — or maybe it was the other way around. Tell your boyfriend to watch this oldie but goodie by the 1910 Fruitgum Company, and keep a close eye on the guy with the tambourine. He’s a hoot!

If you have questions of the heart, drop me a line. Until we meet again, enjoy a little Crazy Elephant, the theme song of the future Stevie Love television show — "Love That Stevie!"

For weeks now, I have been trying to catch Olympic fever, doing my best to psyche myself up for hours and hours of televised sports I would otherwise not care about.

That’s when it finally hit me.

I would be more interested if there were sports that actually appealed to the common man, and I’m about as common as they come. I can’t really relate to such events as running (especially real fast) or gymnastics (balance beam? uhhh… no way) or soccer (again, the running thing).

That’s why I am suggesting the International Olympic Committee entertain the idea of adding some or all of the following sports. The television ratings would soar. I guarantee it.

COMPETITIVE EATING: And not silly food items such as hot dogs. Since it would be the Olympics, this would be real tests of manhood (or womanhood)  — and stomach linings. These Olympic athletes would have to down food products such as sauerkraut, cottage cheese, tater tots, Hershey bars (with and without almonds) and mashed potatoes.

POKER: Texas Hold ‘Em, of course. And to qualify you have to make at least one final table at the World Series of Poker from the previous year. Can you imagine Phil Hellmuth, Gus Hansen and Annie Duke on the Olympic podium receiving their medals?

WATCHING TELEVISION: This would be tougher than it sounds. True tests of will would come when the armchair athletes would be required to watch a minimum of four consecutive hours of PBS, followed by 24 consecutive hours of The Game Show Network, with five-minute breaks every two hours to go the bathroom and one five-minute break every four hours to order pizza. Those left awake at the end of the Game Show Network marathon would advance to the finals — 12 uninterrupted hours of QVC. Any athlete not in la-la land by that time will be awarded a gold medal.

OLYMPIC IDOL: This could be huge. One singer from each country with 30 seconds to impress Simon, Paula and Randy. Those who make the cut down to the final 10 get to choose one song to sing live at the closing ceremonies, after which a worldwide call-in vote will determine the winner, to be announced just prior to the Olympic flame being extinguished.

PENMANSHIP: Simple, yet highly entertaining. One lefty, one righty from each country copies the words to "Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond. Their works are judged by a panel of English teachers from around the planet. The winner has his/her choice of a gold medal or a $50 shopping spree in the pen department at Staples.

OLYMPIC NASCAR: Think of the possibilities. Athletes from countries like Myanmar, Sri Lanka and Uruguay climbing behind the wheel of the No. 24 DuPont Chevrolet.

OLYMPIC IRON CHEF: I would do more than watch this. I would volunteer to be a taste judge.

TATTOOING: Again, the possibilities are endless. Think big. Think bold. Think ink. Viewers could choose what tattoos the athletes would get. Judging would be done by a panel of former NBA players, led by Dennis Rodman.

LAWN MOWING: Medals for both riding lawn mowers and the conventional walking style.

KARAOKE: Athletes could choose songs from either the Carpenters, Beatles, Rolling Stones or Toby Keith.

Let the games begin.

Eric Clapton’s "Wonderful Tonight"
is the best love song of all time.
Discuss among yourselves.

All you need is love. Isn’t that what the Beatles once told us?

If so, you’ll need love songs, and that’s why we’re here today. Because if all we need is love, and love makes the world go round, music is the transportation for getting it there.

My choices for the top 10 all-time love songs.

1. "WONDERFUL TONIGHT," Eric Clapton: If there is a husband and wife or boyfriend and girlfriend who does not love this song, they need to make an appointment with Dr. Phil.

2. "ALWAYS ON MY MIND," Willie Nelson: Most of the harmonies are missing from this live version, but it is the red-headed stranger at his finest. Also try this take by the Pet Shop Boys.

3-a. "LOVE IS ALL AROUND," Wet Wet Wet: One of the few cover versions in history that is actually BETTER than the original, which was an amazing song in its own right.

3-b. "LOVE IS ALL AROUND," The Troggs: One of the best songs of any genre from the ’60s.

4. ‘THE DANCE," Garth Brooks: I think we’ve all lived through "The Dance" at one time or another.

5. ‘GIRL I’M GONNA MISS YOU," Milli Vanilli: Eighteen years later, still an awesome song.

6. "I DON’T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT," Rod Stewart: This a great live version of the Rod Stewart classic, with Amy Belle helping him out. I love how the audience simply takes over the song near the end.

7. ‘YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL," James Blunt: The video for this song is downright creepy.

8. ‘UNCHAINED MELODY," Righteous Brothers: This had been relegated  to oldies stations and bargain bins before "Ghost." Thanks, Patrick. Thanks, Demi. This was too great of a song to have been lost for so long. If you don’t need a Kleenex during the kissing scene at the end of this video you simply don’t have a heart.

9-a. ‘I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU," Whitney Houston: The Spanish subtitles on the accompanying video are kind of interesting.

9-b. "I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU," Dolly Parton: This is the original version. A lot of people prefer this take, the purity and all that. But I have to lean toward Whitney Houston’s version.

10. "MUSKRAT LOVE," Captain and Tennille: Oh yeah, muskrat Susie and muskrat Sam. It doesn’t get any better. You just have to love those little muskrat love sounds in this song.