Month: January 2009

I cannot tell a lie: New FOX program is on list of top TV shows

Posted by – January 29, 2009

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Lightman, center, and Torres, left, tackle a case within the U.S. Armed Forces in the "Lie To Me" episode, "Moral Waiver," airing Wednesday, Jan. 28. (Photo Courtesy of Fox)

I watched "Lie To Me" again Wednesday night, and became even more of a fan than I was a week ago. If not for "American Idol," there is no doubt what my favorite TV program would be. Here's my personal top 10 at the moment:

1. AMERICAN IDOL: This is more than a television show, it's a lifestyle.

2. LIE TO ME (above): More happens in an hour on this drama than a month of most shows. The show even worked Sarah Palin into its most recent storyline. Bill Clinton, too. Inspired by a real-life behavioral scientist, "Lie To Me" tells the tale of a deception expert who helps uncover the truth for the FBI, local police, law firms, corporations and individuals. Tim Roth is the star, and if I tell you any more, it might ruin your first "Lie" experience. Trust me, this is a unique show. I wouldn't lie.

3. HOT STOVE: This is a nightly show on the new MLB Network, and if you're a baseball fan, it's a must. The MLB Network is the best thing to happen to the national pastime since fantasy baseball.

4. ESPN SPORTSCENTER: Come on, this can't be a surprise.

5. ALL BETS ARE OFF: This is one of the pleasures of having satellite TV. It's a regional sports talk show based in Cleveland, Ohio, hosted by Bruce Drennan. Drennan is a longtime TV personality in Cleveland who was sent to prison a couple of years ago for a white-collar crime stemming from his gambling debts. That's why the name of the show is so cool.

6. COLD CASE: Kathryn Morris pulls me to this show. I'm so-o-o-o addicted to Kathryn Morris.

7. COUNTDOWN: Keith Olbermann, the man I love to hate, is the host. He reminds me of George Wendt's old line on "Cheers": "Women … you can't live with 'em … pass the beer nuts." Olbermann infuriates me 45 minutes out of every 60, but I watch. I guess he makes me appreciate Kathryn Morris even more. 

8. SEINFELD RERUNS: Anytime, any place.

9. HARDBALL: Chris Matthews often leans a little too far to the left for me, but he is fair and he always provides some interesting dialogue.

10. RACHEL MADDOW SHOW: She leans even farther to the left, but she's bright, sassy and has an interesting show. I wish she'd let her hair grow a little bit.

ON THE BUBBLE: CSI: Miami, The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, Chelsea Lately, Family Guy.

IN CASE YOU WONDERING: All sports events overrule all the above selections except No. 1.

Wondering about Blagojevich, Torre, Oprah and Yo Yo Ma

Posted by – January 27, 2009

Some things I am wondering about this week:

ILLINOIS GOV. ROD BLAGOJEVICH: At what point did Gov. Roddy Badhair truly lose touch with reality? If the state of Illinois were a ship, we'd have had a mutiny long ago. The whole situation was hilarious at first, but now it's scary. Adding insult to injury is Illinois becoming the butt of all those late-night talk show jokes. Actually, Illinois is also the butt of early evening jokes, too. Homer Simpson has made of fun of us, too.

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Hey, Joe Torre — did you need the money?
Or the headache? Was the book necessary?

JOE TORRE'S TELL-ALL BOOK: Why, at this point in your life, Joe? Why would you even take the chance of tarnishing your image as a classy guy? We all know the Yankees are a nuthouse. Even if everything you are alleged to have said in this book is true – and we have no reason to assume it isn't — did you really need the headache? No. Did you really need the money? No. Why do it then?

MARK McGWIRE'S LITTLE BROTHER: So Jay McGwire injected big brother Mark with steroids and wants to come clean — for a price — in another tell-all book. The only problem, Jay, is no one cares anymore. Steroids are so 15 minutes ago. Jay, Jay, Jay … you should have just kept your mouth shut, like your brother. And whatever slim chance he ever had at being voted into the Hall of Fame probably fizzled with you bringing this up again. Sorry, dude, we just don't care anymore. And that big paycheck you were hoping for? Not gonna happen.

BARACK OBAMA: It's been a week since you took office and we still have two wars, a recession and no college football playoff. What the heck have you been doing?

OPRAH WINFREY: Yo, O! Glad to see we're on the same diet.

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If you watch "American Idol" on Wednesday night,
be sure to watch "Lie To Me" afterward. Great show.

SUPER BOWL: Is it just me, or this one a yawner, as far as interest? Pittsburgh vs. Arizona just doesn't have that ring to it, does it? I kind of feel sorry for the Steelers, who got stuck with the Seattle Seahawks the last time they made it to the Super Bowl.

"LIE TO ME": Have you seen this show? It debuted last week on Fox and is amazing. It's definitely my favorite show after "American Idol." Tim Roth finally gets a chance to showcase his acting talents. Give him an Emmy right now.

ACADEMY AWARDS: What a bunch of crap. "Gran Torino" gets snubbed by "The Academy." More people will watch — and enjoy — Clint Eastwood and "Gran Torino" than the rest of the movies nominated by "The Academy" combined.

"THE DARK KNIGHT": Same with the latest Batman movie, which was tremendous. The flick has already grossed more than $1 billion worldwide. And it has received great reviews, too. That's OK. We'll have some little artsy movie voted best by "The Academy" that will be relevant for all of about 15 seconds. At least Heath Ledger received the nomination he deserved.

YO-YO MA: It was nice, I guess. They had some violins and string things playing at the presidential inauguration last week, but be honest, how many in that crowd of about 2 million would have rather heard Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band belt out a number? Remember, be honest.

Why aren’t these TV stars getting more attention?

Posted by – January 22, 2009

I watch a lot of television. I admit it. I enjoy it. My television
even has a name — Steve Jr. When the big fella arrived as a Christmas
present eight years ago, I had my wife take a picture of me hugging it.
I consider it part of the family.

If my body did not need a few
hours of sleep each night, I could see myself watching Steve Jr. 24 hours
a day. There's just so much to watch and enjoy, which brings me to the
point … for the life of me, I cannot understand how some
personalities never receive the acclaim they are due.

From
established, successful programs on the major networks, here are my
picks for three stars who should be on the covers of magazines, the
subject of Entertainment Tonight reports and lead material on TMZ —
but they're not.

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Most Underrated:
Kathryn Morris.
Program: "Cold Case."
Character: Detective Lilly Rush.

Have you seen this woman?
Have you heard her? She is what Meg Ryan once promised to be, only
better. Too many people skip over "Cold Case" because of all of
the "CSI" and "Law and Order" programming we are subjected to on a
nightly basis. I have a theory that a "Law and Order" episode
is playing on some channel somewhere 24 hours a day, seven days a week,
365 days a year.

Morris, 39, is one stylish lady who can dominate
a scene in so many subtle ways. She heads a detective unit that
investgates old murder cases when they are reopened for whatever
reason, which allows Morris a platform to display her many acting
talents. Her eyes can cut right through a viewer in the finest Kim
Carnes fashion. If that is not poignant enough, simply permit her
voice to command a scene in a methodical — yet almost sultry — manner
that can be oh-so-quietly overwhelming. She can leave you gasping for air if
it's a serious enough crime.

FYI: She once co-starred with Vanilla Ice in the movie "Cool As Ice."

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Most Overlooked:
Emily Procter
Program: "CSI: Miami"
Character: Calleigh Duchesne.

Surrisingly, Procter, 40, is
one year older than Morris. I would never have guessed that. All I can
say is hooray for aerobics. That aside, Procter is the key to success
of this particular CSI franchise, much more so than the over-the-top
acting of David Caruso. Weren't his 15 minutes of fame up about 15
years ago?

CSI followers may not realize this is most successful
of the three crime scene investigation programs on CBS. It is now the
most-watched program in the world, and it is also a regular target of
those who protest such things as gratuitous use of violence and sexual
themes. If you watch more than one or two episodes, it's kind of
hard to argue with them.

Procter's Calleigh Duchesne character is
a brilliant part of the forensics investigations and will often
dominate each scene she appears. She has this almost-robotic
personality about her, yet allows just enough emotion to seep through
that you do not want her to leave the camera. Think Sgt. Joe Friday —
with a heart.

FYI: She appeared in one episode of "Friends" in 1995.

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Most Underappreciated:
Charlie Sheen.
Program: "Two And A Half Men."
Character: Charlie Harper.

Sheen's real-life transgressions have been held against him by
critics, because his character is drop-to-your-knees funny. This is
probably the best work of his career, yet Sheen, 43, receives
relatively few kudos.

The series centers around Sheen, who portrays a freewheeling bachelor.
His rather wild — not to mention promiscuous — lifestyle is interrupted
when his newly separated brother, played by Jon Cryer, moves in with
his son, Jake. The expected problems surface on a weekly basis.

Week in, week out, Sheen is the highlight of the program. I can't help
but think if it had been anyone but Sheen, the critics would have
adopted him as the new Seinfeld.

FYI: Sheen's real name is Carlos Estevez.

Despite watching ceremony from Starbucks, trip was worth it

Posted by – January 21, 2009

(We're turning over our space today to the Rev. Bob
Morwell of Union United Methodist Church in Quincy, who is in
Washington, D.C., site of the inauguration of Barack Obama as the 44th
president of the United States.)

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We boarded a Metro train into Washington, D.C., a few minutes after 4 a.m.  It was the furthest station on the line from the city, and it still was packed. We knew right then the predictions for a colossal crowd fo the inauguration of Barack Obama would be realized.

Even though we were downtown by 4:30 a.m., easily 10,000 people were in the line ahead of us. My daughter, Tasha, and I still maintained hope that we would make it onto the National Mall before Barack Obama took his oath.  Eventually, the line began to move toward a security checkpoint at Seventh and D streets. 

We spoke with young college students who had made the trip from Louisville, Ky., on the spur of the moment. They were enthused by the coming of a new administration which they were convinced would be transformative. Similar feelings were expressed by folks we met from Georgia, California and even England.

We stood in the bitter cold for four hours, but the line moved only a few feet each hour. The crowd remained good-natured but grew increasingly frustrated. A Pentecostal preacher climbed atop a SWAT van parked on the street and began to shout updates on the line's progress to those of us further back. He called out words of encouragement to the freezing masses and invited us to shout out where we hailed from. He kept us in good spirits, and you may even get a chance to see him on YouTube.  His name is Terry Shackleford, and we ended up chanting his name.

But after 5 1/2 hours of waiting, it became evident that the line had stopped and the security checkpoint was no longer admitting anyone to the Mall or parade route. Even though we had come 7 1/2 hours ahead of scheduled swearing in, it became evident, we were too late … and the security people were afraid to tell us so. After all, there were thousands of people in just that one spot, many of whom had come thousands of miles to see this moment. I suspect they feared a riot.

Tasha and I decided to stop freezing and find a place to watch the event on TV.  After walking about 10 blocks, we found a Starbucks on K Street (the home of the largest concentration of lobbyists on the planet) which had warm drinks and two TVs.

About a hundred people already had taken refuge there, and all the seats were taken. The crowd within reflected the crowd without. Largely, but by no means entirely, African-American, and very enthusiastic.

When the soon-to-be former president and vice-president stepped out onto the inaugural stand, the crowd met their appearance with stony silence. When they got their first glimpse of the Obama family, they applauded wildly. They applauded enthusiastically again when Joe Biden took his oath.

As a musical piece composed by John Williams was played, CNN announced that the noon hour had come, and according to the Constitution, that was enough to make Obama the President of the United States, even without the oath. The crowd cheered and clapped wildly at the announcement, but pandemonium ensued once President Obama completed his oath.

There was cheering and shouting and hugging while a somewhat obsessive Starbucks manager ranted at the now standing-room-only crowd about keeping a path open for store traffic and threatening trespassers into that lane with arrest.  There's a party pooper in every crowd, but this was one crowd that refused to be pooped on.

Tasha and I rushed outside to hear the 21-gun salute. We were, at that point, about 1.5 miles from the Capitol. We missed the echo of the artillery, but even at that distance, with large stone buildings looming between us and the Mall and a stiff wind blowing from the north, we could easily hear a mighty wave of cheering rolling like a sonic tsunami from the crowd several blocks to the south.

We decided to rush to the Metro in an effort to beat the gigantic tide of humanity that would begin to flood out of the Mall. Thousands of people were on the streets who had also not made it there, but there was an overall air of jubilation and excitement.

On the train, we met a woman who had come all the way from California with one of those highly coveted tickets and still had not been able to get a place among the select 240,000 who had the closest seats. So it could have been worse for us.

We didn't make it to the Mall or to Pennsylvania Avenue, which we could see just beyond the interposing checkpoint that thwarted our plans, but we got to feel the moment and share in it with tens of thousands of cold but hopeful people.

Our nation faces grave challenges, as our new President noted in his inaugural speech. But, if goodwill, hope and enthusiasm are useful tools in meeting those challenges (and I think they are), then we have begun to overcome the problems of this time, just as we have overcome the problems and prejudices of the past.

My daughter decided it was still worth making the trip.

I agree.

Excitement, hopefulness fill venue as MLK is remembered

Posted by – January 20, 2009

(We're turning over our space today to the Rev. Bob
Morwell of Union United Methodist Church in Quincy, who is in
Washington, D.C., site of the inauguration of Barack Obama as the 44th
president of the United States.)

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It seems providential that the holiday celebrating the life and ministry of the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. would precede by one day, the inauguration of the nation's first black president.

My daughter and I attended a celebration of the King holiday at the spectacular National Cathedral in Washington, D.C. It was an especially appropriate venue, since Dr. King delivered his last Sunday sermon from its massive, ornate stone pulpit. A few days later, he was gunned down in Memphis, Tenn., while supporting a strike by garbage workers. 

Jesus ruefully commented that a prophet was not without honor, except in his own country. That was the case for Dr. King. The same day he spoke at the cathedral, the St. Louis Globe Democrat ran an editorial denouncing him as "possibly the most dangerous man in America."

History has rendered a different judgment, and the people at the cathedral were there to affirm that fact.

The celebration began with African style drummers marching down the long center aisle. Letters from King to Presidents John F. Kennedy and Lyndon B. Johnson were read. There were poets expressing both rage and hope, and musicians ranging from hip-hop to the operatic. A young hip-hop violinist brought down the house. And, in keeping with tradition ranging back to the bloody and glorious days of the Civil Rights Movement, the massive crowd, made up of every race, joined hands and sang, "We Shall Overcome."

As I sang and swayed to the old movement anthem, I looked up at that empty pulpit and thought of the man who had stood there years earlier. I imagined what he would have felt as he saw that multi-racial congregation, filled with hundreds of people who had traveled from all over the land to remember him and to witness and celebrate the inauguration of Barack Obama, whose election would not have been possible without the prophetic witness of that young preacher whose dream would not die. The emotions that overtook me were so powerful that my voice suddenly dried up for a moment, and I couldn't utter a sound.

We spoke with several people in the cathedral. They had all come for the inauguration from places like Kentucky, Georgia and New York. All seemed filled with a sense of excitement and hopefulness I have not seen in a very long time.  They were white and black, young and old.

Part of this about Obama as an individual, but there was something larger present in that great Gothic church. There was a feeling that the struggle for America to live up to the ideals it expressed at its foundation has reached a true turning point. When asked how many people thought Dr. King's dream had been fully realized, only a couple hands went up in the vast crowd. Everyone else knew there is still a long way to the Promised Land.

But, there's no denying … much has been overcome. 

On the road to the inauguration … with millions of others

Posted by – January 19, 2009

(We're turning over our space today and Tuesday to the Rev. Bob Morwell of Union United Methodist Church in Quincy, who is in Washington, D.C., site of the inauguration of Barack Obama as the 44th president of the United States.)

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Everyone knows the Inauguration of Barack Obama is going to be an event of epic scope. Just how epic became clear to my daughter and me, as we made our way to Washington, D.C.

We stopped at a rest area on Interstate 70, somewhere west of Columbus, Ohio.  There were several cars there and a charter bus there. It soon became clear that the folks on the bus, who were from Indiana, and a number of the people in some of the cars, were also headed to Washington. I asked one of the bus riders, a middle-aged, apparently middle-class white guy if he was headed there for the “festivities.”

He smiled a strange smile and said, “You might say that,” and didn’t elaborate further. Perhaps they are going to protest, rather than celebrate. Well, that’s part of what makes America great. I wish them a safe trip.

There were some African American folks traveling in the cars, sporting Obama regalia. Their excitement was evident.

We stopped at another rest area in Maryland and mentioned to a couple of people staffing the tourist info booth that we were headed to the Inauguration. One of the women at the desk said in a slightly sarcastic tone, “Gee, imagine that.”

“Getting a lot of people through here who are headed there, too?” I asked.

“About 90 percent of the people who’ve been through here, today,” she responded. 

At that point, we were 175 miles from Washington. The closer we got, the more we saw cars with licenses from distant states that sported Obama stickers, and evidence that they were headed to the Big Event, too. One van from Arizona had “Obama or Bust!” emblazoned in bright yellow letters across its passenger windows.

We are staying with one of my sisters-in-law, in the suburb of Vienna, Va. She and her family, like most of the locals, have elected to hunker down and avoid the maelstrom on the Mall on Tuesday. Heaven only knows what we will be able to see or how long it will takes us to get there, get around and get out of the city that appears to be on the verge of becoming the center of the universe on Tuesday.

It is possible that nearly 1 percent of the population of the entire nation may be packed with a few square miles that day. Expectation is in the air.

Hundreds of thousands, possibly millions of us, will struggle to find our way out of a colossal jam of our own making once the festivities have concluded, which is a pretty good analogy for the situation in which our nation finds itself.

But the challenge we will face pales to insignificance when compared to the one that will face the man whose inauguration we have come to see. For all of us, the party will be over on Wednesday. It’s no surprise that he will begin that day with a prayer service.

Out to lunch: Let’s dine with Blago, Obama and Bikini Girl

Posted by – January 18, 2009

It’s time once again for a lunch date with 10 people who interest me. If you’re new to the group, you’ll notice there are always 11 listed. Yes, I can count, but I’m a fan of the Big Ten Conference, which has 11 schools. Must be that Midwest math.

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1. Chesley B. “Sully” Sullenberger III (left):
He’s the 57-year-old pilot who landed the jet in the Hudson River, even managing to land at the correct angle to stop the plane from sinking and allowing all 155 on board time to scramble to safety. This guy is a true American hero. I would gladly pick up the tab for a chance to swap stories over a couple of Big Macs at the local golden arches.

2. Kara DioGuardi: The new American Idol judge intrigues me. Her sassiness and spirit promise a lively eighth season for America’s No. 1 TV show. I would also guess she’d talk all the way through lunch, which we would share at Elder’s. I’d order a batch of those huge onion rings to occupy me while waiting for my burger and fries and listen to Kara babbling about the latest Idol goofball she had critiqued.

3. Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich: This might not work work, because Blago would likely try and sell my lunch seat to the highest bidder. I’d make sure we’d drive through Wendy’s before I dropped him off — in Joliet.

4. Robert Eric McFadden: This lunch would last about 30 seconds. My only question for this guy would be, “What could you possibly have been thinking?” Police in Columbus, Ohio, arrested McFadden, who was running a Web site that rated the services of prostitutes. The true irony here is that McFadden once served as director of the Faith-Based and Community Initiatives office under Gov. Ted Strickland. We could grab one of those turkey and Colby cheese sandwiches at the Butcher’s Block. They’re excellent.

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5. Tim Tebow, right:
The University of Florida quarterback seems like such a great person. I doubt if football would ever come up in conversation with this likable kid, who has worked in both an orphanage and leper colony. Two of my three daughters are unmarried and I hope one of them can hook up with him. Heck, I’d bring him home for lunch where the little woman could make him her special meat loaf.

6. Brian Williams: The NBC News anchor is the best of them all. I’d treat him to a fine meal at The Pier.

7. Barack Obama: I wouldn’t want to talk politics. I’m more interested in how he thinks he can force a college football playoff. We’d pull up a couple of chairs at Kutter’s and talk sports with the guys.

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8. Christian Bale:
I finally saw the film ”Dark Knight” and was fascinated by Bale’s brooding interpretation of the Batman character. We’d go to Springfield and have seafood at Red Lobster.

9. Bikini Girl: If you saw the season premier of American Idol, you will understand. This is one bizarre girl. I’d also be interested to see what she showed up to lunch wearing. I’d meet her at First Wok and we could share some hunan shrimp.

10. Hazel Mae, left: She’s one of the nightly hosts on the new MLB Network, where “the national pastime goes full time” (I just like repeating that). Hazel used to work for NESN, the regional cable outlet in New England that covered the Red Sox. Hazel knows her baseball. And I every time I see her, I immediately think of the 1960s Tommy Roe hit song, “Hooray for Hazel.” Hazel would be another I’d invite over the homestead. We’d have Ballpark Franks!

11. Sarah Palin: Sweet Sarah is always a guest at lunch. There’s nothing wrong with a little conservative eye candy who can provide stimulating conversation. I’d probably drive to Alaska and meet her for some moose chili.

Check, please.

‘Gran Torino’ represents Eastwood’s finest effort — ever

Posted by – January 12, 2009

I just saw one of — if not the finest — films I have witnessed in at least 25 years. Clint Eastwood's "Gran Torino" will be an American Classic. You can take that to the bank.

I have a column on "Gran Torino" in Wednesday's print edition of The Herald-Whig, so what I would like to offer today are my top 10 favorite Clint Eastwood movies and my top 10 favorite Clint Eastwood quotes.

Eastwood is one of the last, true living legends of American film we have left. His career has spanned parts of seven decades, and he shows no signs of slowing down. I have all seen all but a handful of Eastwood's widespread releases, and most of those are ones he only had small roles in during the early part of his career.

My favorite Eastwood films:

1. GRAN TORINO (2008): I cannot even begin to tell you what a masterpice this is for Eastwood, as both a director and actor. It is an amazing, amazing film.

2. THE BRIDGES OF MADISON COUNTY (1995): You were expecting "Dirty Harry?" Sorry, but Eastwood was amazing in this film. Made him seem more human than in any of his previous movies.

3. ALL "DIRTY HARRY" MOVIES (1971-1988): It's impossible to separate these, plus I've seen each of them at least a half dozen times. I thought "The Dead Pool" was especially intriguing.

4. THE OUTLAW JOSEY WALES (1976): I remember the hype for this movie unbelievable in its day, and the movie certainly did not disappoint. Most of Eastwood's westerns were far, far superior to anything featuring John Wayne. Wayne may have had the more famous cowboy persona, but Eastwood had the better films.

5. PALE RIDER (1985): This was Eastwood's first western in almost 10 years. The wait was well worth it.

6. THE GAUNTLET (1977): His finest film featuring Sondra Locke.

7. UNFORGIVEN (1992): Another Eastwood film that generated tremendous pre-release hype and again proved worthy. Eastwood was probably the only actor at the time who could have been involved in a western and had it be a success.

8. TIGHTROPE (1984): This detective film also featured talented French actress Genevieve Bujold.

9. EVERY WHICH WAY BUT LOOSE (1978): Eastwood's memorable Philo Beddoe character was a huge box office hit at the time but would be even bigger today. It would have tied in nicely with the UFC fighting craze.

10. ANY WHICH WAY YOU CAN (1980): The sequel to No. 9 was one of the most anticipated follow-ups in that particular decade.

Wondering out loud: Was Eastwood a better cowboy or detective?

Comment: No, I did not forget Eastwood's "spaghetti westerns." I simply did not care for them that much.

My 10 favorite Eastwood quotes, in no particular order:

• "I like the libertarian view, which is to leave everyone alone. Even as a kid, I was annoyed by people who wanted to tell everyone how to live."

• "I love every aspect of the creation of motion pictures and I guess I am committed to it for life."

• "Plastic surgery used to be a thing where older people would try to go into this dream world of being 28 years old again. But now, in Hollywood, even people at 28 are having work done. Society has made us believe you should look like an 18-year-old model all your life. But I figure I might as well just be what I am."

• "Most people who'll remember me, if at all, will remember me as an action guy, which is OK. There's nothing wrong with that. But there will be a certain group which will remember me for the other films, the ones where I took a few chances. At least, I like to think so."

• "In 'The Bridges of Madison County,' Robert Kincaid's (character was) a peculiar guy. Really, he's kind of a lonely individual. He's sort of a lost soul in mid-America. I've been that guy."

• "When I was doing ('The Bridges of Madison County') I said to myself, 'This romantic stuff is really tough. I can't wait to get back to shooting and killing.'"

• "This film cost $31 million. With that kind of money, I could have invaded some country."

• "They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning."

• "Maybe I'm getting to the age when I'm starting to be senile or nostalgic or both, but people are so angry now. You used to be able to disagree with people and still be friends. Now you hear these talk shows, and everyone who believes differently from you is a moron and an idiot – both on the right and the left."

• "I've actually had people come up to me and ask me to autograph their guns."

New Year’s promises: No power tools, airplanes or salad bars

Posted by – January 8, 2009

It's a new year, and many of my friends are vowing to lose weight, get married, stop smoking, stop drinking or some sort of "New Year's resolution."

Not me. I never make resolutions. I make promises, and I keep them.

That said, you can take the following to the bank in 2009:

1. I will not lose weight, at least not on purpose: I have no plans on eating beansprouts or bellying up to the "salad bar." For starters, I can't stand salad dressing, and all of that roughage is hardly appealing dry. I'd rather eat a bowl of dirt.

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"Salad bars" for me are those spreads that feature the all-you-can-eat potato salad, cheesecake, bacon-wrapped water chestnuts and mini-cheeseburgers — not a one trip plate filled with cottage cheese, cucumbers and other assorted red and green things.

Don't get me wrong. I applaud those souls who go for that stuff and then follow it up by going out and running 30 miles in the dead of winter. More power to them. It's just not going to be me. I like to eat, and I like to eat real food.

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2. I'm not going to build anything:
I wrote a column a few weeks ago for The Herald-Whig about embracing your weaknesses, which for me includes not going anywhere near a toolbox. Every so often my wife forgets who she married and yearns for something like a deck in the back of the house or some sort of other carpentry work to be done, but sooner or later, she always comes to her senses and accepts it's not going to happen. There's a better chance I'll be seen eating a salad than running some sort of electric power tool.

3. I will watch a lot of televised sports: I love sports. I love to watch sports. I love to listen to sports. That's why I have satellite television and radio. Why both, you ask? That's easy. Imagine that I'm watching a late-night baseball game between the Oakland A's and Texas Rangers, and I go to the kitchen to get a Classic Coke and glass of ice (in a styrofoam cup — they don't sweat) and discover there is no ice! Since I can't drink Coke or Mountain Dew without ice, I need to make a quick run to one of the all-night supermarkets. But I don't want to miss any of the game, right? No problem. I have satellite radio in my car. I can listen to any game anywhere, so there's no worry.

4. I will eat a lot of pizza: That is pretty self-explanatory.

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5. I will watch NASCAR every week from mid-February to almost Thanksgiving and be proud:
This is always a challenge, because about May each year, I start to get "the look" from my wife. The way I figure, all husbands and wives have disagreements, but those "discussions" should at least be over something important. Taking out the garbage, cleaning up the basement or mowing the yard are not important. NASCAR is important. So the disagreements are worthwhile, rewarding and enriching.

6. I will not lift heavy things: There are people out there who actually enjoy that kind of stuff. I'm not one of them.

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7. I will not change the oil in my car:
I can't. I wouldn't even know where to start. More important, I don't want to know. If there were not people like me, there would be a lot of guys at Wal-Mart and Lube Pros out of a job. In many ways, I consider myself a humanitarian.

8. I will not cook anything: They built all of those McDonald's for a reason.

9. I will not fly in an airplane: If you can't drive there, it's not worth going.

10. I will not talk with a British accent: I was just seeing if you were paying attention. Actually, I will talk with a British accent. I consider myself bilingual.