What becomes of the broken hearted
Who had love that’s now departed?
I know I’ve got to find
Some kind of peace of mind
… So I call on Love, Stevie Love

Hey there, Stevie Love here.

The Love Doctor is back, ready to listen to the woes of your heart, those feelings of frustration, those anthems of annoyance, those diatribes of disgust and those soliloquies of sorrow.

I feel your pain, and I can help. I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes. Love is all around me, and so the feeling grows.

Let’s get to our most recent batch of cards and letters. The envelopes, please:

Dear Stevie Love,

I’ve been married to my husband, Jimbo, for more than 20 years. And it seems the longer we’re married, the more he camps out in front of that dang television set. Watchin’ baseball, bass fishin’ and huntin’ shows is all he wants to do, especially on the weekends. Just once I wish Jimbo and I could take a nice romantic trip, maybe get away for a weekend down by the Lake of the Ozarks. What I’d give to travel a little … what’s a girl to do, Stevie?

Sincerely,
Lucinda in LaHarpe, Ill.

Dear Lucinda,

I would bet if you’re a good girl and grab Jimbo one of those supersized Diet Cokes in the fridge, he’d probably let you watch a few minutes of the Travel Channel before Bassmasters comes on. Go for it, girl. And you have a good day.

Dearest Stevie,

I’m your biggest fan. Me and my girlfriends always wait for your latest blogs. I never thought I’d be writing you, but my boyfriend, Buddy Ray, seems to be paying less and less attention to me lately. All he seems to want to do is hang out with the boys down at the pool room. We used to go have nice, quiet dinners all the time down at the diner and sit and listen to the jukebox playing “our song.” Those were my happiest days with Buddy Ray. Can I ever get them back?

My heart’s aching,
Maggie in Maywood, Mo.

Dear Maggie,

This is so heartbreaking to hear. I think you need to work at this slowly. I wouldn’t push Buddy Ray. He’s probably going through one of those phases guys do when they feel they are being pressured by a female. I’d suggest starting slow. Just ask Buddy Ray if the two of you could go to McDonald’s tomorrow night. Tell him how good those new Angus burgers are. I don’t think he would beef about that (that was a joke, Maggie!). Maybe in a couple of weeks you can suggest a return trip to the diner. If you take it slow, I think things will work out. If not, I’d suggest going to the corner video store and renting that Paul Newman and Tom Cruise movie about pool sharks and learn how to play.

Dear Stevie,

I want to plan a nice romantic dinner next Sunday evening for my hubby. Is there anything special I should fix or do to make it an extra special time?

Anxiously awaiting your response,
Barbie in Big Neck, Ill.

Dear Barbie,

I’m sure whatever you fix will be just perfect, but I wouldn’t plan that meal too early. Those NASCAR races tend to run a little late.

Dear Mr. Love,

I don’t know what’s happened with Buster. Our love life is terrible, and he pays more attention to our dog, Krusher, than he does me. Stevie, the other night I put on my sexiest lingerie, tied my hair up in a new ribbon that I got at Dollar General and paraded in front of him when he was watching TV. And you know what he said, Stevie? He said, “Honey, please sit down, it’s almost time for Ron White and Larry the Cable Guy.” I was crushed, Stevie. Crushed! What can I do to recapture my Buster’s attention?

Peggy Sue in Pike County, Ill.

Dear Puzzled,

This one’s easy. Get Buster satellite TV for a present, put that lingerie back on, go buy another ribbon and start parading again. At worst, he’ll invite you to sit on his lap and watch “Ice Road Truckers” together.

I'm rather upset with People magazine naming Hugh Jackman as the "sexiest man alive."

Did they forget about the Doctor of Love? Stevie is incensed!

What would my qualifications be for this mythical title? I'm glad you asked:

1. THE SILHOUETTE: Some might say a side view of Stevie Love resembles the old Alfred Hitchcock-ian figure from the days of black and white TV. That may be true, but all Stevie Love knows is that he's standing in front all of those wide-screen televisions at Wal-Mart he hears what all the Angelina Jolie-lookalikes say when they walk by him and go, "Ohhhhh Steeevie Love!"

2. CORDUROY PANTS: Chicks dig corduroy. Take it from the doctor. Corduroy is the official pant of the The Love Nation.

3. INSIGHT: Girls like a man who can carry on an intelligent conversation, and the doctor has brains to go with the brawn.

4. TASTE: Good taste is important to a good woman. Hence, the corduroy pants and meeting after work with the love of your life for a caffeine free diet Mountain Dew.

5. HUMILITY: Nothing makes her say "Oh Stevie" like the humble nature that accompanies the humble man himself.

Hugh Jackman? Gimme a break.

Greetings from Stevie Love, or as I am better known to my constituents as … the pharaoh of feelings,

the sultan of sentiment, the potentate of passion.

Normally in this space I am offering tips for those who have been scarred by a tragic relationship or simply looking how to get a date to the next Josh Groban concert.

Today, however, is a real treat. We’re going to talk about Stevie Love … the ruler of romance, the triton of tenderness, the prince of precious.

Each Saturday in The Herald-Whig is a feature titled "Your Turn," where a member of the community tells you a little about himself (or herself) via a list of 25 questions. Stevie Love is answering those same questions today:

1. Who are you? Stevie Love, of course.

2. Tell us about yourself. I am the self-professed doctor of love, admittedly possessing the intellect of Dr. Phil and the animal magnetism of Brad Pitt. I have been called the Rod Stewart for all generations. Their words, my friends. Not mine.

3. When I was a kid, I wanted to be … exactly what I am today — amazing in my own special way. In the words of Don Meredith, "Son, if you can do it, it ain’t braggin’."

4. What would you rather be doing right now? If not solving another problem of the heart for a devoted reader, I would prefer to be sharing a cup of Norwegian tea with Bono, plotting a better course for all mankind.

5. Shhhhhh! Don’t tell anyone that … I can play the accordion.

6. Other than your wedding day and/or the birth of your children, what was your proudest moment? Probably the day that Oprah asked me to join her as a co-host and I had to politely refuse. Stevie doesn’t share the love. It would be cheating his followers.

7. It really stinks when … women of all ages cannot keep their hands off me at the local supermarket. At the end of the day, I am still just an ordinary guy, Brad Pitt magnetism or not.

8. What word in the dictionary would your face be next to? "Suave." Or possibly "fearless."

9. I always laugh when … I think about how many times Dear Abby used to call me for advice.

10. Invite any three people, living or dead, to dinner. Who are they? Sarah Palin, Jeff Gordon and whoever invented pizza. If there is one thing Stevie Love knows, it is beautiful women, and sassy Sarah is No. 1 on the Doctor of Love’s ultimate top 10. Jeff Gordon is the greatest NASCAR driver there was, is or will be. And I’d just like to thank the guy who came up with the idea of combining mushrooms, pepperoni, a big oven and free delivery. 

11. At the end of a really long day at work, I like to … eat.

12. People who knew me in high school thought I was … destined for greatness. They were right.

13. My most unforgettable brush with greatness was with … the mirror.

14. I would drop all my plans tonight if I had the chance to … share a pizza with Sarah Palin.

15. If someone gave me a million dollars, there is STILL no way I would … cancel the pizza with Sarah Palin.

16. America should be more concerned about … writing my name in for president Nov. 4.

17. I’m OK if there’s ever a national shortage of … advice.

18. What place in the world would you most like to visit? The chocolate factory in Hershey, Pa.

19. What is the most useful piece of advice you have ever received? "Love is but a game, my son. Always take two and hit to right."

20. When I’m cruising down the road, I’m likely listening to … some sporting event or oldies radio. Few people know that Stevie Love was Stevie Athlete in a previous life. I once played professional football under the pseudonymn Bernie Kosar. Yeah, that was me. No. 19. The good-looking guy with the curly hair hanging out the back of his helmet.

21. I always get sentimental when … a Milli Vanilli song comes on the radio.

22. The older I get, the more I realize … I have a lot to share.

23. If I had one “do-over,” I would … have started sharing much earlier in life.

24. My favorite item of clothing is … my old Nehru jacket from the early 1970s. I wore it on the first date I had with Olivia Newton-John.

25. If I’ve learned anything at all … it’s to always listen to myself. Stevie Love always knows best.

Stevie Love, in the house, bay-bee.

Dr. Love’s e-mail box has been swamped with those asking for advice, especially on how to make a good first impression on date No. 1 with that girl of your dreams. Just remember, talk is cheap, but what the Doctor offers can be taken straight to the bank of love.

Keep that ear hair under control
before the big first date.

Guys, here’s what you need to know before leaving the house on that all-important inaugural love run:

1. Clip that ear hair: Nothing will gross her out more than when she goes to whisper sweet nothings in your ear and gets a mouthful of Wyatt Earp’s moustache.

2. Clip that nose hair: The first time you breathe out those nostrils and it looks like one of those flowing black outfits Stevie Nicks used to wear with Fleetwood Mac, you are in big trouble.

3. Tattoos: If you have a tat anywhere above the shoulders, you might as well just stay home. There is no way Sweet Thing is taking you home to meet mom and dad with "Metallica" tattooed across the back of your neck.

4. Open the wallet: If she even thinks you’re a tightwad, it’s basically over before anything gets started. So that means dinner at Burger King should probably not be a part of the evening’s itinerary.

5. Keep your eyes on her: That means no sneaking a look to see what the score of the Cardinals’ game is one of those 32 televisions at Buffalo Wild Wings. You’ll be out of there faster than Jason Isringhausen in the ninth inning.

6. Unibrow: Almost forgot this little hint concerning follicles. You’ve trimmed the nose hair and buzzed the ear hair, but don’t forget to shave a line of demarcation on your forehead if those eyebrows have grown together. You don’t want her to think you have a caterpillar on your forehead.

7 Weighty issue: This should be a no-brainer, but if she’s a bit on the stocky side, under no circumstances should you ask if her favorite St. Louis Rams player is Orlando Pace.

8. Ex-girlfriends: This is assuming you’ve had ex-girlfriends, and if so, don’t talk about them. (Not even if they were ugly.) That will make her insecure.

9. Keep options open: OK, maybe she turned out not to be the girl of your dreams. She talks non-stop and has eaten three pieces of cheesecake at $4.50 a pop. Just grin and bear it. She may have a cute friend she will tell about you.

10. Passing gas: Hold your breath, sit on one cheek, do anything humanly possible, but don’t — even if every internal organ of yours may shut down. And under no circumstance should you ask her to pull your finger.

That’s all for now. But just like American Idol and Frosty the Snowman, we’ll return again some day …